Life on a Sticky Note

help! I'm bleeding!

2012-01-31T13:36:00.000-05:00

Why are women embarrassed to buy tampons? We menstruate once a month-it's natural, we know about it (men and women-lots of times even our children) and yet it's this hush hush, don't talk about it phenomenon where we skulk along the grocery aisle-pretending to look at everything else imaginable in the vicinity before we grab the box, head for the nearest and shortest checkout line, pay the gawking cashier as we feel the customer's eyes behind us burning into the back of our heads...judging us for bleeding. How DARE we bleed out of our VAGINA-how GROSS! And how dare we buy utensils to soak up this mucus grossness in a public arena in front of children and proper people-the shame! The cashier, usually a pimply teenage boy, snickers and turns red as he scans the box and bags it for you, his voice cracking as he tells you to have a nice day. You leave the store in a huff, wishing you could tell them all where you could shove a tampon of their own. This really isn't helping the myth of PMS giving you mood swings. Men certainly don't help with their "disgust" and refusal to hear about the female experience of menstruation, which is something that occurs in a natural cycle to show a healthy woman-you would think a man would be pleased to know he's with a healthy person and not some sickly, dying shell. The only time men seem to enjoy when women have their period is when they know it's because they aren't pregnant...that or they're into weird sex (we won't go into that one-ick).Our society has taught women to be embarrassed about our periods: we should keep it a secret, hide our "feminine odor", don't talk about it in public, don't complain about cramps or PMS (it's uncouth). Ask a man to buy tampons or pads for a woman and he freaks out and breaks into some speech on how "MEN SHOULD'T" buy "THOSE THINGS". Those things? I am sure the would much rather we went back to the days when women bundled themselves in rags beneath their petticoats to soak up the leaking, changing only when they had to, for lack of extra fabric in the day. I'm sure the smell then was fantastic as well. Men should count themselves lucky today that we are so discrete with our leakage and odor. In other societies, when women begin to menstruate, they are celebrated for this special transition into womanhood from the childhood life they lived. Christianity blames women for bringing this affliction upon themselves when, in the Garden of Eden, Eve bit into the forbidden fruit, and was henceforth afflicted with painful childbirth and bleeding monthly. How romantic. This may be the source of the taboo we see in our Western culture, where we hide, shush, and stigmatize our periods, since we are a majority Christian culture. Other cultures take a different approach: Indian women are forbidden to take part in everyday activities while menstruating, the process is seen as "impure", and the women must first cleanse herself before returning to normal social behavior. From myths about women menstruating being witches and demons, to them being dirty and spreading disease, we've only come so far in the world to a day when we simply hide our bodily functions with perfumes (harmful to our natural Ph balances) and sneakily carry our pads and tampons in "discreet" applicators to the ladies room so we don't need to make a scene about it. Why are we so embarrassed about it? And why do we say things like we can't wait until we go through menopause so we don't have to "deal with it anymore"? I bet women going through menopause and hot flashes miss the days of walking down the aisle in the store looking for those little applicators, alongside the other women who are bleeding every month. I have decided I will not be embarrassed about picking out my monthly supply of tampons. I buy the largest box of them (fifty!), and I slap it onto the conveyor belt without shame. I need them, and I will not hide my face. No, these are not for my mother or my sister-they are for ME. I will pay for them with my own money. I will not hide them behind other purchases and hope you bag them quickly so no one else sees my item. I will make eye contact and smile, and tell you to have a nice day, and I will ask where you keep the Midol, because I have cramps. I will march out of the store proud of my womanhood. Yes, I menstruate. Yes, it sucks, But, I won't

be ashamed of it because you aren't able to accept that.

moving up

2012-01-05T16:03:00.000-05:00

I have to prove to my professors that I am capable of doing my academic work this spring to my fullest potential at the same time as taking on 20 additional hours in my assistantship for a temporary professional position, in which I will essentially be paid more to do more of what I love doing, and be told to take an easier course-load to as not to overburden myself with academics and burn myself out with work (oh nos). This, of course, means more bowing down to the graduate school. If it isn't the government screaming at you about your unpaid bills and reminding you that you will be paying them soon, it's the actual school telling you how to take their classes, otherwise they'll kick you out on your indebted ass to be swept up by Uncle Sam's broom and dustpan. Then what? Well, I suppose the ARMY always seemed like an honorable choice for us patriots, eh?Okay, I suppose I could cater to the great minds a few more times and tell them what they want to hear: yes, I know I have some more things I need to learn before I get my degree; yes, I will be employing student development theory in my daily routine and practice with the increase of hours in this career choice, and yes, I can give that to you in writing; no, this will not cause my academics to fall apart; yes, I do take graduate school seriously (despite having two incompletes in statistics). I just want to work more in the area I love to work!

This should be fun.

40 Things I Would Rather Be Doing Than Writing My Law Paper...

2011-12-12T20:00:00.000-05:00

1. feeding my cat pizza2. peeing3. watering my bamboo plant4. driving REALLY fast on the highway5. scraping ice off my deck6. bringing returnables to the sketchy redemption center at night7. watching Rush Limbaugh say anything8. watching Fox news report anything9. taking a cold bath10. watching Arachnophobia...again11. debating with extremists on any topic12. smelling stinky feet for an hour while I take a test13. sitting in front of someone at a movie who jiggles the seat with their leg14. sitting behind someone at a movie who whispers and predicts what is going to happen the whole time. 15. sitting through a two hour meeting held by someone with absolutely NO facilitation skills16. feeding a mouse to a snake...seriously.17. watching all Vin Diesel movies18. wearing Crocks for a semester19. reading War and Peace20. squeezing a cactus in my bare hands. 21. telling my professor what I really thought of the class22. snuggling with my kitties23. throwing the random crap I have in my kitchen together and seeing what culinary masterpiece I can create24. playing Words with Friends25. trying to learn the alphabet backwards26. learning how to juggle27. painting28. writing out Christmas cards29. painting my fingernails like snowflakes30. planning my outfit for tomorrow31. tanning32. facebook chatting with strangers33. planning for a Disney wedding34. pretending I may have a career in underwater archeology 35. rubbing Bob Jr's belly36. reading Jonathan Swift37. writing poetry38. knitting39. researching how to become an event planner for when I graduate40. researching alternative career options for my number one manand there you have it. and it did not take me long at all to think of 40 things I would much rather be doing that writing this lamesauce law paper due in two days (of which I only have 6 pages, including the works cited and cover page). And I even stopped to cuddle Shannon in the middle of writing the list. Oh snap.

crux

2011-12-04T18:44:00.003-05:00

Older thoughts keep popping up and new ones I never though I would have to think about. I'm angry and frustrated and scared and trying to cancel them out, but not sure how-and I wish I could turn them off...make them stop. I wish I could push a button (a red one) and make them go away, and feel a silence and lay my head down so I could listen to my peaceful thoughts again and feel my old worries and noises again and not have to think about these new ones anymore.

I can feel this painful feeling rising up in my chest and throat and shoulders and neck and my entire body, and I can't make it go back down again. I want to push it down, but all I can do it curl up on my bed and cry, or stare ahead when I drive and cry as I listen to my music and watch the cars come on towards me. I wonder what it would sound like to fall into one of them. I wonder what it would sound like to fall into a teardrop and lose the hunger of the sounds around me.

And you, you only came to me when I had to plead and someone pushed you to the edge. You didn't run or grab for me, you left me hanging, crying, grasping for what was left and watched as I fell to the pit and then looked up and the dirt washed itself away. It was only after that I had the thoughts that no one says they think, and no one knows they know, it's then that I shook and the dreams were not while I was asleep. Waking into this was the worst anyone could wish me, and you stood aside and let me.

2011-11-25T15:06:00.004-05:00

It's hitting me again.

Like a sickness that comes on and I can feel it deep and heavy within me, but just as physical and it is anything else-and it makes me want to lay in bed and hide from what needs to be done.

"what needs to be done" in life is the thought that irks me, that never-ending list of things that I "must" and "have to" get done in order to succeed in life, and all I want to do is paint, get dirty, go running, stare out in space and think about things, play with my cats, and lay in my lover's arms. Writing papers in feminist theory may be interesting to me, but I would much rather repaint my desk in bold colors, or crochet a scarf for someone's Christmas gift. And I would rather gag myself with a toilet plunger than read another Higher Ed. and the Law chapter, only to write another mediocre response for my professor who should have retired in the 90's. I may have hit my wall in terms of graduate school-but I cannot get enough of my actual job in Campus Events. Maybe I need to get out into an actual career. Here I was thinking I might shit my pants if I got to this point, and now I'm the one itching to move myself along.

I'm just sick of being around people who are rubbing their noses up professors butts for more attention, who have no lives outside of their classrooms and graduate assistantships, and so just sit around on their laptops and ipads, doing research and posting to our classroom conferences (whether or not for recognition from the professor or because they purely want to give something to everyone, I truly cannot tell-which scares me). I feel much older than everyone, and I would like to move on with my life, and seek people who are more like me, and who enjoy my type of people. I loved NACA, not for the cheesy Higher Ed. part of it, but for the associates, the agents, and the acts part of it. They are the people I know I can work with in life, and who I know I will be able to do business with in my career, whenever I find myself in that area.

I told M when I got home that I want to go into event planning for larger events-let's get that ball rolling.

NACA

2011-11-21T15:41:00.003-05:00

NACA is absolutely AMAZING. It is the only reason I started using a Twitter account (apparently up in Maine we're behind the times with only being on FB), and will now be "following people's tweets", as the cool people say.

I started to fine tune my skills at talking with artists, agents, and associates about booking, prices, and just plain old schmoozing to get them to remember my face and attitude (not gonna lie, there was a lot of sass and flirting going on-holy cow, people are touchy and weird in that business). I got my fill of cheese from the agents who wanted to sell me crap, and had to pull out my no bullshit side-I think I could definitely make it in that business if I wanted to. I now resent those people who always told me I was "too cute" to get people to do what I wanted to (thank you public speaking Professor).

Going with a small group was awesome and we got really close-especially after our van got broken into in East Hardford (aka, sketchfuck town), and my TomTom was stolen. We also had issues booking and checking out of every hotel, and almost got a parking ticket while we were standing next to our van. Welcome to Connecticut. On the bright side, we are now all suffering from PTSD together, and I am a victim of larceny. Not gonna lie-kinda cool. J, C, and J were awesome students, and I would not have had the time of my life without their awesome attitudes, fun personalities, and trusting me with their true selves on the trip. By the end, we were at ease with each other enough to eat in silence, show impatience, and just be ourselves.

I had an awesome experience and cannot wait to plan the next NACA conference, although I am 100% sure will never measure up to this first trip, and I will always look back on this nostalgically. Fricken awesome, and I love the four of us.

My Irving Mornings

2011-10-24T13:11:00.004-04:00

I get my coffee in Irving most mornings when I stay the night over at Matt's, and find myself peering over my paper cup, tasting the hot joe and judging the people paying at the register with a sneering glare as I do my best to shake the cobwebs from my head and get the combination of flavored creamer to coffee ratio.

the other patrons of this fine establishment come in (usually at 7 or 8 in the morning) come in and are purchasing hot dogs, slushies, milkshakes, 48 and 64 ounce sodas, donuts, meat sticks, heaping piles of potato chips, candy, and cigarettes. I often do my best to NOT judge them, but when they are hacking up their lungs and asking for a pack of Camels, sucking down a milkshake and barely fitting into their clothes, and yelling at their boyfriends not to spend all their money on gas because they "need" a donut...I tend to judge just a little.

Sometimes I stir my coffee just a little slower than I need to so I can stand back and witness the embarrassment that it the Irving morning coffee spree. Sometimes I make a friend when I'm standing there and there's that awkward exchange when you need to reach over the other person for the stirrers and the creamers and covers and such. I once learned about a woman's history in five minutes as we stood and made our coffee, and I took note of her many tattoos on her ragged skin. Her hair was now messy and like a scarecrow, and her skin reminded me of a paper bag. She was sweet, but I would never trust her with anything. I kept my purse on the other side of my body.

Every time I go into my Irving I come out with a story. I like this feeling because I look forward to my little morning adventures and don't see them as annoyances, which I am sure most people see going to the gas station as.

my new amazing job

2011-10-24T12:50:00.003-04:00

I decorated my office in Halloween splendor and can now concentrate on the Fright Night I have to plan for this weekend with the inspiration around me. I have that awful feeling that I am forgetting something big for the event, but I'll just have to hope to God the students like what we give them.

I've decided I love planning things and having fun like this--not having to worry about the lives of students and their mental well-being all the time and the "high-risk" students. As vain as it sounds, I love walking around with a clip board, checking off my to-do lists, blowing up balloons, calling and recalling vendors and acts, getting to know bands and comedians, photographers, students, interacting with organizations, and having my own office and phone line.

I love getting dressed for work each day and having set office hours, but loving work so much I stay past them--or come in early because my events mean so much to me I want to put more work into them. I spend more time on my events and with my student group than I do on my homework (this is a problem, yes, but this shows I thoroughly enjoy what I do for the first time in such a long time!).

Event planning...who knew?!

human restlessness

2011-09-27T09:22:00.004-04:00

I have an unnerving feeling every time I drive onto campus and become a part of the "pack"-filing into a single line, along with everyone else to stand in lines all day for an education. I get restless thinking that this is just another step in life to another line, which I am expected to stand in during my next life stage. I will graduate and join another pack when I join the work force-working my hours to pay for things I am expected to have: building credit, owning a home, spitting out kids, saving to retire, and then to join the pack in the next stage of life.
humans are so far removed from what we used to be, we are merely an illusion of anything connected to an emotional or spiritual being at all. I feel a tugging at my center, like I am missing something at my very core-something connected to our universe and our earth that went awry when human beings left their roots.
I keep feeling a yearning to be in nature-to leave where I am, which is saying a lot, since I live in rural Maine. I want to live in the mountains with animals, and spend my days gardening, and walking the trails, hiking and biking, riding horses, exploring and clearing trails. I am happiest with animals, and my most calm and patient with them-then why am I seeking a profession working with humans?
I have started doing yoga (well, did it yesterday) and feel fantastically great and sore today, so I will try to center myself in this way as often as possible. I will also try to spend more time outdoors-walking and running. Get back in touch with my human roots.

yogi

2011-09-26T14:22:00.002-04:00

I'm going to start doing yoga again. Wish me luck in my mental capabilities to focus for that period of time. I'm hoping it can relax my soul and keep my mind off other matters that seem to be cluttering it up. So far, painting is a good distraction, but April says I need a way to center myself and be comfortable sitting with and being with myself, and not just distracting myself from what is really inside, but to listen and acknowledge it. It's like an angry child, she says. It will only stay away for so long before it will be back crying and needing attention again. Yoga will be my lullabye to the child.
Let's see if my plan works.

my camel's back

2011-09-21T12:25:00.002-04:00

I really hate it when people around me say they "have no money", and then go out for drinks and go shoe shopping the next day. I REALLY don't have any money. I've been making choices over gas or food, been eating scoops of peanut butter from work, and am two months behind in rent with negative 400 balance on my bank statement. I guess I could be a little better with money, but I feel that shopping at the dollar store for everything shouldn't tax me that greatly. It must be all those costly school text books and fees that go along with being a grad student. Maybe getting two rats wasn't the brightest idea either, but I've been slowly redeeming myself and getting back on the right path. It's only myself and Bob Jr. (my cat) now. I just need to get out of this awful apartment situation and find myself a place to live alone, where I'm not the only one who cleans and gives a crap about the appearance of the place.

Also, I hate only being paid once a month. By the time payday rolls around, I'm scrapping the dirt off the floor to get at anything to eat, sell, or trade. Yum. And who made the decision to not give over a certain amount of Stafford loans to grad students? Apparently my GA package is "too good", so I can't get any more financial aid, which leaves me with nothing. I had to drop a class so I didn't end up having to owe the University something out of pocket, and I didn't want to ask my Dad to pay for anything more so soon after he had paid to get new tired on my car.
Money makes me so anxious-but I do crave it so.

my camel

2011-09-21T12:14:00.000-04:00

Foot in Mouth Disease

2011-06-13T00:52:00.003-04:00

This is an epidemic our society "survived" within the past five or ten years. It was one of the disease fads, along with the mad cow, avian flu, and others. I have never gotten a flu shot in my life, and probably never will, and have survived all of these social freak outs to tell the tale.

But I digress. This isn't about a flu, an epidemic, or even a sickness...in a manner of speaking.

I have the worst tendency to insert my foot into my mouth at the worst of times, with the worst choice of people. It's not usually an awkward moment with strangers (horrifying when it happens, but soon forgotten as the people disperse and go on with their lives), but with people I am close to and see almost every day of my life.

I'm a clumsy person. The scars collected over the years are evidence of that-from the rose bush thorn tears on my forearm that resemble the manic evidence of a "cutter", to the half-moon-shaped scar on the inside of my left thigh from the time I got caught in a bicycle chain as a kid-I am all about the clumsy. Apparently I'm no different in my way with words, as well.

I tend to say things without thinking, or more accurately, without thinking about how it will affect the person/situation. I'm a person full of thoughts and emotions, and on the occasions that I don't let them build up inside me, I allow them to flow out and become words, noises, glances, expressions, and touches. I've never claimed to have balance in my life-I'll be the first to admit I am one of the most unbalanced people I know, and this is just another example of this exact issue.

I am clumsy and unbalanced. I sound like a real catch. I am the real-life version of the Hollywood female lead characters in a romantic-comedy who causes the male lead to fall helplessly in love with her quirky charms and her unconventional and unexpected mannerisms. Too bad reality is never as cute as the story version.

roomies:)

2011-06-02T16:53:00.003-04:00

this is the last day I will be in my on-campus apartment, and it's also the first time I have not felt sad about moving out.

I'm excited to live-off, and to have roomies and pets! I cannot wait to get settled into the new place, and to have people to hang out with on a daily basis. No more of this I get home and become restless and feel lonely after a long day. Of course people drive me nuts each and every day, and getting home needs to be my refuge, but my two roomies are awesome, and I know I will love to come home to these two boys and all the little critters we seem to have accumulated (two cats, my two rats, and two ferrets).

of course there will be things to figure out, like who cleans the bathroom, who is allowed to have booty calls over and the like. I think we're all pretty outspoken and will find ways to organize and schedule like efficient adults.

This is going to be fun!

Here's to new beginnings and finding new paths in life.

baby fever...or mommy dearest?

2011-05-15T15:08:00.003-04:00

everyone has babies!

Each time I stalk people on Facebook, I see more and more people with children or with their profile picture being some creepy image of the sonogram (sorry, not cute).

I can hardly think of myself having a baby now-let alone having one years ago like so many of my high school peers did. Am I being selfish or intelligent in regards to this?

I've noticed that as I get older, people give me almost "sorry-for-you" looks when I say I'm not A. married, B. engaged, C. pregnant, D. planning on any of the above. This makes me both horrendously annoyed and agitated by our cultural expectations. Have things not changed since the 50's? I'm not planning on staying at home to watch children and become fluent in baby-talk, thank you very much. Nor, do I plan on giving up a career for a family-no go on that one, as well.

Of course, when a wee one looks up at me, my uterus can barely keep from exploding-but I still plan on waiting. I made up my mind some time ago to forgo having kids at all, but I've been thinking about the possibility more lately, Maybe I could make an adequate mom.

The thing is, it terrifies me.

This idea that a person is growing inside of me, being expelled from my gross, fat, slimy, stretch-marked body, and then leeching off me and and my life for 18+ years. How can that seem appealing to anyone? Clearly, I am still in the "not ready" phase. Probably for the best.

What also scares me is that I will become my own mother. What if I mess up the kid(s) with my unyielding selfishness and refusal to see beyond my own issues? The last thing this world needs is one more person hopped up on anti-anxiety pills and laying on therapy couches once a week to deal with their parental issues and scars from childhood. How cliche.

unmotivated

2011-05-15T11:46:00.004-04:00

My lack of motivation is frustrating.

I want to do so many big things with my life, bigger than I'm capable or qualified for, even, but I can barely get it together for the day-to-day things that "need" to be done. My problem is, I don't find them either important or necessary, which leaves me dragging my feet-sometimes even literally.

Am I completely apathetic? It depends on what we're talking about. Some things mean the world to me, and I will do anything to have them in my life. Other things, however, seem like such a time waster, and I couldn't care less about them. I'll leave the specifics to the imagination so as not to outright offend anyone.

Looking at myself from the outside, I'm sure I look like a slacker, an apathetic free-rider, and/or just a plain bitch. I suppose I can't blame people for thinking these things. I'm hoping that somewhere down the line I will weed out all the things I don't want to do with my life and will finally find what makes me happy and motivated.

Here's hoping.

yet another one

2011-05-11T14:37:00.000-04:00

I do tend to complain about certain groups of people-but I also tend to think they deserve to be griped about.

Take for instance my experience today: there I was, sitting in a local sandwich shop doing my crossword puzzle, when I overhear two greasy, unkempt young men discussing their favorite philosophers. Normally, this would not be something that would bother me, and I'd probably listen intently and discuss (in my head) my own favorite philosophical views, biting my tongue in trying to refrain from joining the discussion. This time, however, it was all I could to to not tear up my paper when they began grumbling about how "people" in this day and age "don't get Marx and his views". There were immediately two things wrong with this complaining:
1. These young lads are barely out of their hippy, reusable diapers themselves, so how can they claim to know anything about "this day and age"?
2. Nobody gets Marx and his views-this is why his views are so controversial and misunderstood.
I decided I did not like these young men at all, and tried to concentrate on my crossword with every inch of my being. Despite it being a lovely, relaxing day, however, the incessant complaining from these two unshaven, thick-rimmed bespectacled morons sought through my shield of intense focus, and was all I could hear in my mind. I began to take deep breaths as they discussed how much the world sucks in its materialistic and uneducated ways, and how their own days of sitting around smoking pot and reading philosophy was so much better than anything else that EVER existed. When a third hipster (a female) joined the duo, I shuddered at the thought of hearing more. They compared living arrangements for the summer, how much they smoked on an average week, and how totally rad their cars were (hipsters tend to find themselves in a catch 22 when it comes to cars: they want something old and "hip" like a shaggin wagon or an Audi, but the darn things are so bad for the environment, and they become hypocrites for driving one and spouting Gore theory; when, however, they want to drive a new, fuel-efficient car, they have to spend more on the initial purchase, and thus become hypocrites for buying into all that is the American materialistic lifestyle. Totally sucktastic, dude).
The female left, and the two guys gushed over how great she was-completely negating their cool and indifferent disposition, and I laughed at the idea of them ever being in a relationship. Mean and judgmental, I know. What would they talk about, I wonder? Would their pillow talk consist of Marxist theory and rejecting the status quo while sucking on a joint?
When the two dudes got up to leave, the shorter one made a comment about today being a good day. The taller, greasier one replied, "Yes, for a hungover, stoner, totally apathetic person, today is a good day". I could have drop-kicked him onto his fuzzy face. As if the human race being apathetic wasn't bad enough, here is this douchenozzle walking around rejoicing in the idea that he is apathetic and proud. My faith in the human race fell a little, like the Claus-O-Meter in the movie The Santa Clause-I need something to believe in for this to booster up again. Maybe if I got away from pretentious college students who feel that because they are seeking a degree in higher education, this makes them better than anyone else on the face of the Earth.
Maybe I need a break from these people and to connect with things that do not hold such self-delusional visions and can just BE. Who and what might this be? Children and animals. It always comes back to children and animals. I might as well be a "chanimal" or "animild" by the way I connect with both of these populations, and tend to reject the adult group...in theory and in practice.

Perhaps what practice I really do need is in being around people without almost blowing a gasket.

2011-05-06T00:49:00.002-04:00

If I had been dating this year, we would have broken up a very long time ago.

happy Thursday

2011-05-05T10:54:00.006-04:00

I just had a meeting with my psychiatrist (take five to think about how psycho that makes me sound...).

We talked about behavioral psychology and how people react to different responses-namely, how Mom reacts to attention and how she tries to get it. He can tell that talking about her is a sore subject, and I become emotional just thinking about growing up with her as a parent. He usually lets me sit and think about things and then prompts me with a question about her personality or my experience. The first time he talked about her I burst into tears-no discussion at all needed.

Dr. H. posed the theory that I've internalized years of anxiety from a childhood where I had to step up and act beyond my years in an attempt to keep peace between the people in my household: my parents and my siblings. I'm still doing so today, as my family doesn't approach one another with problems, but talks to EVERYONE else in the family and let's the issue stew. Most of the time, the person who is the source of the problem isn't even aware of it. I hate living like this, and can be seen as the pain in the ass to my family because I push them to actually approach and talk to the person about what they're feeling. For some reason, this thought never crosses their minds, and I'm seen as a pretentious know-it-all to suggesting it. It baffles me and causes me to want to recede from my family entirely (but I don't want to go down that path again).

Every time I make a visit home, I feel I need to put on my emotional and mental armor to make it through; there will inevitably be drama, gossip, favors asked, demands, inquiries. I usually head back to Orono feeling drained and annoyed. I am very grateful that I now have a car and can head out whenever I want.

On the other hand, my family is my source of strength. They know me the best, and will be there for me no matter what. I trust that they will be there and do what they can to help in times of need, and I know I can count on them for most anything (some more than others). I mostly attribute this to my sisters, who are like a part of my heart and soul. I cannot imagine life without them, and an so lucky to have grown up with such amazing people. My Dad is my support system and advice guru. I know I can go to him with any inquiry and he will have a logical and honest response for me. I am grateful for his patience and respect for my life choices, and for always being there for me, through thick and thin. My Mom is the source of greatest pain for me. I still haven't forgiven or healed much from living with her as a child and teenager. I have had numerous conversations with my sisters about it, and how it's affected each of us in the long-run, and it DOES still affect each of us-just in different ways. It makes me wonder how many people I know are damaged from their childhoods but hide it like we do.

I'd like to move on, but looking my pain in the face is terrifying. I don't want to face it if it means reliving it. I'd rather stuff it down and forget about it...but that hasn't worked so far either. The nightmares and unhealthy emotional responses and resurgent anger and anxiety are evidence to that much.

Brain Dump

2011-04-27T14:53:00.004-04:00

I need to stop feeling petty about things. I'm more than halfway to 30 and still hold things against people. I'm not sure how to let them go. It's more than frustrating.

I'm cleaning my apartment. No, I'm purging my apartment. I have a large box of crap I don't want around anymore that's been cluttering things up, I'm getting rid of crap taking up space-shredding files and papers, recycling anything recyclable. I love this time of year.

I've been feeling restless, anxious, worried, unsatisfied. I know it's with my career/school life, since I feel pretty great about my social life, and my family has been unusually calm and supportive lately. Thank God I have a car to keep up the connections between myself and my family.

My nephews are two of the most amazing, important, and rewarding people in the universe. I cannot imagine my life without them.

I'm entirely a lucky person to have the people in my life that I do. Is it luck, or did I seek them out? I tend to lean towards the latter, given my picky nature.

Living on campus has never been more annoying and frustrating. I'm so sick of living around drunk, immature, loud-mouthed, irresponsible and self-centered people. This generation is apathetic to the point of being bubble zombies, and it drives me nuts.

side note: I am so over flash mobs and dance mash-ups. I wish the rest of the world would wake up and realize that ship has sailed.

I am a huge nerd. This made me laugh so hard!

2011-04-22T18:04:00.001-04:00

A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys?
We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in,
"I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said,
"Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said,
"That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."

The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine
them to see if there's anything I can do for them."

They were silent for a moment.

Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Read more: http://stories-etc.com/engineers.htm#ixzz1KICFRoDY

conundrum of the day

2011-04-17T16:54:00.002-04:00

With the outfits that some girls choose to wear these days. In the daylight. During regular days of the year (I.e. not Halloween)...

WHY do they get all uppity when asked, "how much?"

...just a tad frustrated at work

2011-04-14T12:35:00.005-04:00

Dear Boss,
I am not a glorified RA.
I am qualified, intelligent, introspective, efficient, creative, motivated, funny, professional, capable, proficient in both department policies and goals, able in conflict and risk management, handy with students under the influence and/or causing trouble, and enthusiastic (among other fine qualities).
You may not notice these attributes, however, since you insist on giving me menial tasks-refusing to delegate out to the actual student workers.
I seem unmotivated? Try being unappreciated and unchallenged in your life and see how motivated you become.
Thank you for teaching me little this entire year, aside from how adults do in fact act as petty and cliquey as any high schooler-despite your constant preaching about how open and accepting those of "us" in our field are.
I think my piece has been said. I will not be returning next year. I am not regretting this decision-only that it took me this long to make it.
Sincerely,
-erin

Girl Crush

2011-04-08T16:19:00.001-04:00

I have a girl crush on Emma Stone.

Also on my friend Danelle, but that's another story:P

Just a random note on my bi-curiousity.

news break

2011-04-07T11:12:00.004-04:00

I was about to sit down and write about what a lovely and beautiful day it's shaping up to be for me today...

and then I checked my email and got an "NPR breaking news" message in my inbox.

Japan has had another earthquake in the SAME region as the last one that preceded the tsunami and killed thousands of people, displacing even more from their homes and businesses. I had to stop and think about this for about 5 minutes as my coffee sat forgotten in front of me, and the rest of the "important" emails in my inbox went unread. I felt guilty for waking up and being in such a good mood and thinking I had such a good life. I do have a good life, and often take it for granted.

No, this is not one of the many, "I'm white and privileged, but I'm going to feel guilty for my social placement and dedicate my life to telling others how blessed they are"-what a load of BS. I know plenty of people in this very country, this very state, and this very campus are living with terrible aspects in their lives, and feel completely UN-blessed (I use the word "blessed" very non-religiously, since I am agnostic, but find it a good word to describe the feeling I have at the moment).

Why do I feel so guilty? I think it's a matter of being jolted into perspective. Here I am, a grad student with a decent job, good prospects, many material possessions, food every day, people I love, and fun in my life. What more could I ask for? From the outside, this seems like a pretty amazing life-and yet I feel unsatisfied with where I am; who I am. I want to be more, to DO more, and to live more-and feel quite stuck here in Maine (or is it at this University?).

Yesterday, I stopped by a table in the Union handing out information about the Peace Corps. I've often thought about applying and joining. Not only are there amazing benefits to your education, healthcare, and job prospects once you are done with your service, but it could probably be the most amazing life experience I could ever ask for! It could quite possibly be the change and experience I've been longing for-helping others, teaching others, meeting people who know they are blessed and don't take life for granted like we do in this country.

I think a lot of it has to do with my sincere frustration with the people in our society; we are so very vapid and intolerable. The more I hear about, see, and learn about our culture, the more I become disgusted and embarrassed to be a part of it. If it's not the government trying to revoke the abortion laws in the country, trying to put a smack-down on marijuana usage (when there are DOZENS other issues to use our federal dollars towards-education and revamping of the prison system, anyone!?), then it's got to be our horrible fascination with celebrities whose lives are complete train wrecks and hold no moral fiber-yet we idolize them, praise them, shovel out literally millions of dollars to keep them around and in the limelight. It's more than embarrassing-it's sickening. And I'm so over it.

When I sat and listened to the daily NPR news hour, I found myself pulling my legs up to my chest, covering my mouth with my robe, and forgetting to blink. After the update on the earthquake in Japan and the impending tsunami, there was a bit about a student in Brazil who shot and killed a dozen kids at a school, before killing himself. I started crying. School shootings always shake me, as I remember exactly where I was and how I felt when I heard about the Virginia Tech. shootings.

Why was I so affected by this news? I feel useless over here, in my cushy life, my morning routine, my cozy lifestyle. I want to help, and the people in the U.S. (especially of this generation) are so completely apathetic and tunnel-visioned it's infuriating. I feel that the work I do from day to day (readings, counseling people on roommate conflicts, avoiding department gossip, sending petty emails) is such a waste of human effort, and I feel less-than stimulated. I'm so unmotivated, it's not even funny.

This is exactly why I made such drastic changes for next year: living off-campus, changing my GA to Campus Activities, getting a pet! I needed a change, and I'm hoping this will help subdue the monster brewing inside me that yearns for more.

Synopsis: People need perspective. Life isn't all about Snookie and iPads-count your blessings that a shortage on either is the worst that happens to you. Yes, I am a hypocrite, as I swallow my anti-depressants and worry about what to wear for the day, but at least I am also looking beyond my own personal bubble and into the vastness that is the rest of the world. It's a start.

~Heiwa,
-erin

I love people. Really.

2011-03-25T16:58:00.005-04:00

I'm an impatient person.

I have recently owned this flaw and might even consider working on improving it. This is the thing, though: I feel that the instances in which I get brutally impatient (yes, brutally) are 100% warranted and justified.

Scenario A: I'm driving.
The Issue: people walking around campus are MORONS. They don't look before they step into the road, they don't use crosswalks, they walk IN the road when I'm clearly trying to get by, they just overall suck.
Bonus Irritant: people walking into the street without looking (and not in a crosswalk) glare at ME when I honk at them to prevent them from getting killed. You're welcome, lard-ass.

Scenario B: I'm walking.
The Issue: people walk slow, they walk in large groups and take over the entire sidewalk, they stop in the middle of a hall/aisle/high traffic area and chat, they walk on the wrong side (against traffic), and just pretty much are aggravating.
Bonus Irritant: People walking around on the phone speaking loudly. Extra annoying if they are in the middle of an argument with the other person.

Scenario C: I'm in a meeting.
The Issue: people don't know how to RUN meetings, people go on personal tangents that have nothing to do with the agenda, people don't understand that having a 2 hour meeting will inevitably cause those in attendance to stop paying attention-causing it to be both ineffective and inefficient time, people engage in side-chatter (SO annoying), people think "meeting" means "social time"-meetings overall are useless to me unless I am running them.
Bonus Irritant: being asked to stay after to talk to the person who "ran" the meeting and then having to wait forever while they chat with other people before they get to you.

Scenario D: I'm having a healthy debate with someone
The Issue: they take things personally and grow louder and more obnoxious with their side of the argument--cutting me off and interrupting throughout the whole debate. I leave hating their side of the issue not because I don't agree with it, but because I can't stand that person.
Bonus Irritant: Having the person say your view is "wrong" or "stupid" as you make your well-thought-out, calm argument.

Scenario E: I'm in class
The Issue: suck-ups
This pretty much speaks for itself, but I get so very annoyed with someone who tries their best to prove they have no life and speak in theories and jargon only relevant to this one class to impress the professor. I feel better when the professor is obviously NOT impressed, and recognizes that this person is a huge douchebag, too, but this is rarely the case.
Bonus Irritant: this suck-up student node along vigorously with everything the professor says and feels the need to verbally acknowledge every statement with either, "mmhmm", "yup", "yes", or other superfluous verbal discharge.

Scenario F: I'm in a movie theater
The Issue: people are talking, texting, checking the time on their cell phones, wiggling, chewing loudly, taking five minutes to open a loud snack in an attempt to make it less obvious, and any other public movie faux-pas. My glaring at them only works half the time, and I usually end up leaving the theater being annoyed at all the observer noise and not at all impressed by the actual film.
Bonus Irritant: people bring their kids and let them talk, whine, run around, and cry in the theater.

Scenario G: I'm driving
The Issue: People don't know how to drive.
I may not be the best at driving myself, and I may go fast, jerk turns, and be rude from time to time, but I'm not a slow-ass moron who can't yield, merge, or turn without stopping traffic for five minutes. Please learn how to enter traffic, pull off to the side of the road when turning off, use a blinker, and stay off my bumper at lights--among many other things. Thank you.
Bonus Irritant: People who won't pull out of the fast lane and travel at 10 below the speed limit. I will flash my lights at you and probably honk, just to warn you. Extra irritating if I discover this lame move was cause by you being on your phone or talking to your kids.

Scenario H: I'm in a public place trying to do work.
The Issue: a group of loud, obnoxious morons converge on my scene and completely destroy any possibility that I might get my work done by being complete hooligans.
Listen people, this is a public space, so I respect that you can spend time here also with your douche bag friends, but please respect that this is also an educational setting, and I have the right to be sitting here doing my work in peace without fearing that hoards of goads will ruin my concentration.
Bonus Irritant: dragging chairs and laughing at unfunny things.

coochie coochie coo

2011-03-17T15:07:00.010-04:00

Do babies get offended by the term "baby talk"?

I feel that in this day and age of over-the-top political correctness, there should be some kind of baby revolution going on to eradicate this form of group (insert word to mean something political, social, and intelligent sounding).

Do babies really get that excited when people use cutsie talk with them, effectively sounding like a complete goober in the process to anyone else around them? I do tend to raise my voice pitch when I'm interacting with infants, and this might be the unconscious response to being excited and attracted to something so dear and fragile. This might also be me playing into the cultural expectation that adults should act like morons when addressing children-completely negating the fact that they need to be intellectually stimulated to develop properly. I mean, seriously, who likes to be addressed in such a demeaning, ageist, and blatantly ridiculous manner?

In my own experience, dogs (canines) are the ones who respond most to baby talk-doesn't this mean we might consider calling it something else? Some couples also have the habit of engaging in this form of dialect, effectively nauseating anyone within the general vicinity and warding them off from pursuing their own romantic relationships. Might we consider taking up a more inclusive title for this act so these two (and other) groups don't feel left out? Let's not be stingy, people. On the flip side, do babies want to be associated with dogs and couples? Are these two groups in society worth connecting your name and image to? Maybe babies would rather put up with an annoying and degrading language than be associated with mammals who spend way too much time licking, sniffing, prodding, clawing, biting, chewing and messing things up...and also with dogs.

Some might argue we're taking advantage of the fact that babies haven't formed the ability to speak yet, and thus violating their basic human rights to defend themselves as a population, while we sit on our verbal language high horse and speak down to and about them. Maybe they need a liberator to show them how blind they've been to this social injustice. Who will speak for the babies?! They seem happy enough, as they clap, coo, stare wide-eyed, giggle and spit at us in response to our attention-but maybe we're interpreting this in the wrong way. Maybe this reaction isn't really in response to how we're talking to them (per say), but is in response to HOW we're talking to them. Let me clarify: maybe they're laughing AT us versus WITH us.

Where did the use of such degrading tone even come from? Who was the first person who looked at an infant and decided: "I should tawk wike a wittle teeny boo boo baby!"? Did anyone ever stop to think: maybe this life form holds the same level of intelligence as I do? Perhaps we should communicate in an equal manner-who cares if they cannot form "proper" words yet? I feel this falls in the same mindset as people thinking animals don't have emotions or intelligence-simply because they lack the ability to speak our language. How egocentric can we get?

Moral of the story: baby talk is lame-don't do it.

I'm sorry, did I offend you with my awesome joke?

2011-03-16T11:55:00.004-04:00

People don't get my humor-mostly females.

Guys tend to do alright with it, since it's a weird mix of crude, sarcastic, and flirtatious. Most females I come across either act like I'm offending them or pretend their humor is more tasteful (AKA, boring). Those few ladies I find who get my humor and even compliment it with their own become fast friends of mine, and I love being around them! So far this year, I've only found...5 tops who fit the bill. I always say I need more girl friends, but they make it so damn hard to befriend! I know women are supposed to be the "gentle" sex, but who says that means you need to be uptight and lousy at life, too?

It never seems to fail, I'll make one of my jokes in a room of guys and people laugh and get it! We even get the same references and make a pretty cool back and forth of it. When I say the SAME thing, however, to a room of ladies, it falls onto an awkward silence as they dart eyes back and forth to each other-silently asking if they should laugh or judge me. They usually judge me. I usually leave the room fuming at them and mentally counting how many diamonds I could soon have by shoving a piece of coal up their butts and waiting a week.

Possible fixes for my conundrum:
A. Move somewhere that offers more females in the population, making it a statistically higher chance I'd find people who fall in line with my humor.
B. Make more of an effort to become more likable to the "female humor" by altering mine.
C. Tell these girls to kindly remove the sticks from their asses and loosen up a little. It won't kill you to laugh at a "that's what she said" joke.
D. Say "fuck it" and just have more guy friends. (That's what she said).
E. All of the above?

Maybe I need more lesbian friends-they're cool.

Plan: hang out at more gay bars.

dumb people.

2011-03-14T23:14:00.004-04:00

I saw someone say, "totes jelly" today on Facebook. I'm assuming this is some bimbo, alien shorthand way of saying "totally jealous".

I cannot decide if I'm more embarrassed to be American/human or angry at this individual for thinking this usage of the English language might be acceptable.

Seriously, get off your Facebook and iPhone and READ.

First solo roadtrip:)

2011-03-14T18:38:00.003-04:00

Janeway and I drove all the way down to PA and back again and lived to tell the tale-without any battle scars!

My first solo road trip was a success, and I was so thrilled to do it. I love driving by myself, even if I'm terrified that I'll go off the road in slush/snow, or that I might fall asleep at the wheel (thank you Redbull).

I saw some of the most beautiful things along the roads going through Upstate New York and parts of PA heading to my Dad's-the trees were completely and solidly covered in a layer of ice, which was reflecting off the sun and causing an almost eerie/whimsical effect as I drove through them. Half of them were bent over under the weight, and lumbered back and forth in the strong winds, the ice stubbornly preventing the trees from moving to their fullest potential. I felt like Tim Burton and Danny Elfman might pop out on the side of the road somewhere, Edward Scissorhands close behind.

I drove back in one day/night, leaving PA in the morning and getting back in Orono about 7pm. The weather was horrible, and half the drive was done in pouring rain and thick fog on I-95. It was fun to test out Janeway's abilities in the elements. She handles rain much better than snow, thank God!

I might drive somewhere else when summer starts, just for funsies.

"how was your break?"

2011-03-14T17:24:00.003-04:00

The human need for small talk always puzzles me. No one can actually enjoy it, yet we repeatedly put ourselves in situations where it is expected of us.

We just got back from break, and I never think about it until I'm back in the grind of work and classes, but there is so much false attention given to inquiring about everyone's break. I was asked at least a dozen times today, fully knowing that no one really cares what someone else does over their breaks, but always wanting someone to ask about theirs and feign interest to feed their ego. My voice had to be audibly insincere with half of the things I said today: "oh yeah? How was that?", "Did you have a good time?", "Are you glad to be back?", "what did you do?". I could feel my eyebrows raising to the roof as I pretended to be surprised and excited for the lamest details and events described to me (while I made to-do lists in my head of things I had to get done this week). My voice level kept getting higher, too, and I was sure I'd spontaneously turn into a mouse as I squeaked and chirped my approval and added the appropriate number of "oohs" and "ahhs".

Half of the people I politely asked the expected question to were kind enough to keep their reply brief and peppy-allowing me to move on with my day and tend to actual important things.

There are, however, those people who feel the need to draw you into their circle of drama and self-pity. These are the ones who poo poo when asked about their time off, and tell you how horrible their break was and how stressed out they were the whole time-causing you to stop what you're doing and coddle them until they are done with your sympathetic ear and move onto their next prey.

Yes, I do care if the people I work with and befriend had a crappy and heartbreaking experience over break, but the awkwardness of the small talk and the social expectation that we ask each other about our time off only causes me to resent this custom and in turn not care what people did with their vacation.

Perhaps I'm too harsh when it comes to people's sensitivity and needs, but if I have to hear another, "I worked all break", as if I should feel bad for taking half of the break to myself, I will blow a gasket. Boo freakin' hoo, that was your choice. Grow up.

My ideal job would be to work from home, and now I see why my Dad does exactly this. There's only so much fake I can do in one day before I become frustrated and exhausted with all the effort, and flustered at the idea that all I want to do is hide from these people-who have formed some kind of gnarly, thorny patch among themselves, leaving me to weave my way through it delicately without offending them. I am not an outsider, I'm a survivor (of social lameness).

...

2011-03-01T22:03:00.001-05:00

I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme.
I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie.
I hate when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it that you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

thoughts.

2011-02-28T12:44:00.003-05:00

I'm itching to move out already.

I have been cleaning like crazy today (mostly because it's Spring Break, and thus my chance to consolidate my crap) but also I've been stuffing things into containers getting ready to move in May. I'm restless.

I feel antsy, which I thought would be alleviated once I got my car, but it seems to have gotten worse-I suppose that makes sense, now that I have wheels, I want to USE them, and not sit idle.

My apartment looks wicked cute, and I love the setup (for once) but still I feel the need for an outlet. I've decided to turn my kitchen table into my art/craft area. It's about time I made some use of the thing. I want to do something artsy so bad, on a level I haven't done before-I've been craving my charcoal and chalk, and am going to buy some canvases soon to get things out of my system. It'll probably be abstract-my emotions are abstract, and my art is my emotion on paper.

I need a new art journal. Mine is almost full, and dates back to when I first started college. It's powerful to look back on what I've written/drawn through all those years and all the things that have affected me.

I'm driving down to visit Dad next week, which I think will help with my antsy mindset-I need to get away from here for a bit.

2011-02-25T01:16:00.002-05:00

I got a car:)

Her name is Janeway.

I am in love.

(I'm still getting used to saying "my car").

I'm terrified that I will crash her and muck everything up-especially after seeing a crash today in Bangor.

I've been scooting around blasting music and singing on the top of my lungs.

I get lost easily.

(I need a GPS).

I can get up to 80-piece of cake.

( I should probably watch how fast I go).

Dad is too good to me, and I am probably the most grateful kid in the world:)

"Let's set up a meeting"

2011-02-16T11:43:00.006-05:00

There is nothing more irritating than inefficiency.

I'm not talking about wasting energy in a pseudo green world, I'm talking about wasting time and space in people's lives that could otherwise be utilized in doing something productive.

I cannot tell you all the meetings I spend time in during any given week, month, semester, and year that last two hours at a time when the actual useful information and productivity could be fit into half an hour of time. Side conversations, inability to present to a group, disorganization, personal stories, and the like fill up the other hour and a half, and leave me tapping my feet, zoning out, and essentially resenting anyone that opens their mouth to give input (relevant or not).

15 hours of meetings per week is my norm in graduate school, and I have begun to see how ridiculous it is to expect people to sit at attention for two hours while receiving information, lectures, feedback, and lists upon lists of expectations from them in their role, as well as being expected to participate in brainstorming, feedback, and to volunteer for even more meetings and committees to take up more of our time. This is evolutionarily contradictory to how people function, and forcing them to spend so much time in this structured, formal setting throughout the work week is damaging to both an individuals productivity and creativity levels-essentially negating the point of "work".

I feel that there should be universally accepted and enforced rules when it comes to having meetings, set forth by those who need to attend, and followed by those running it.
Number one, don't waste other people's time. Only schedule a meeting when it is absolutely essential that everyone meet to discuss something applicable to everyone expected to be there. If the information can be shared over email, on the phone, or in person-MAKE IT SO!
Number two, Have an agenda that everyone gets a copy of-and stick to only items on this agenda. This will discourage side conversations and additional topics that are not "for the good of the group" to waste time discussing. Save these personal things for AFTER the meeting.
Number three, know how to run a meeting. This is not something just anyone can do (clearly), and being able to stay on topic, limit personal stories (that no one cares about, but pretend to because you're the boss), stick to the agenda and time limit, and otherwise be the meeting runner will be much appreciated by all who attend and have other things to get done.
Number four, socializing is for before the meeting starts, and after the meeting ends-meetings are not social hours for everyone to catch up with one another.
Number five, do not throw new expectations to get done THIS WEEK at your coworkers-they will hate you.
Number six, people have lives outside of work, and have a number of hours written in their contract for a reason-don't expect people to give up sleep, meals, or other obligations to make up for your inability to plan ahead.
Number seven, don't gather people in a meeting in the morning and lecture them for everything going wrong with the department and then expect there to be high morale among the troops.
Number eight, don't be surprised when your employees decide they do not want to return the following year when rehire and intentions forms are due. Trust me, it was all you.
Number nine, don't expect me to wholly participate in the "open discussion" section of the meeting after you've effectively vocalized your distain with how we are acting as constituents of the department. I regret to inform you that I take things personally and will not respond with rainbows and sunshine to that situation in feedback.
Number ten, don't be offended if you look at the notepad I've been furiously scribbling in for two hours and see a mural of intricate doodles instead of bulleted and color-coordinated notes of your verbal assaults.

Don't worry, it's not all bad; you set a good example of what NOT to do as a boss during a meeting. Now all I have to do is the exact opposite when I hold my own meetings and I'll be golden. Thank you for the life lesson.

Namaste,

-erin

Things I'd Rather Do Than Statistics...

2011-02-15T23:05:00.002-05:00

1. listen to nothing but top 40 hits for the rest of my life
2. watch bad TV
3. listen to bimbo girls talk about last night
4. walk behind REALLY slow people all day
5. listen to someone chew their food with their mouth open
6. watch someone pick their wedgie
7. smell baby poop all day
8. eat steak
9. clean cat litter boxes
10. be corrected with everything I say by someone saying "actually..."
11. sleep through my favorite holiday
12. walk around with toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe for a day
13. watch every Sylvester Stallone movie
14. live in a messy, cluttered, dirty place for a month
15. cut someone else's toenails
16. be sick for a week
17. watch nothing but reality TV
18. put my head under water
19. hold a spider
20. date someone I can't stand for a month

Sincerely,

Erin

some lame FB quiz that I actually liked.

2011-02-10T23:38:00.002-05:00

Idealist Counselor

You are introspective, cooperative, directive, and attentive. You find helping others to personally develop and reach their potential to be personally gratifying as you have a strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others. You often communicate to others in a personalized manner and are positive and kind when dealing with others. You are a good listener and are highly intuitive. You are often able to detect the emotions or intentions of another individual before the individual is aware of them.

You have an intricate personality and rich inner life. You tend to keep your innermost thoughts and emotional reactions to yourself, which can make you tough to get to know. You tend to be private, possibly because your ability to take in the emotional experiences of others can cause you to be easily hurt. You have great depth of personality and can understand complex issues and individuals.

You often prefer to work on a one-to-one basis with others or to work intensely with people close to you. You are happy doing jobs that require solitude and close attention. You are also happy working with others provided that the personal interactions are not superficial and you are given some quiet time in order to reenergize yourself. You usually exert your influence behind-the-scenes rather than being a visible leader.

You often work well in organizations. You value staff harmony, are good at consulting and cooperating with others, and you are concerned with the feelings of others. You strive to make an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. You can also act as a barometer of the feelings within an organization.

Famous Counselors include Gandhi, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Sidney Poitier.

Scene

2011-02-09T00:38:00.003-05:00

Just a hypothetical situation...

Suppose someone lives in the same building where your ex's current girlfriend works.
And suppose you were walking from your building to a meeting one morning and passed his car as he was dropping her off, and the three of you made an awkward eye contact triangle as you all pretended not to notice one another at the same time (but you really noticed as he leaned in to kiss her as she was stepping out of the car...and you couldn't help but think he might be doing this to prove something).
And then suppose you walked to your meeting on the verge of tears, and noticed your breathes were too fast and your hands were shaking.
And she had to also be at the same meeting, and she averted your gaze the entire time.

This would make for a pretty uncomfortable setting to live and work for a year...wouldn't it?

Zen happens

2011-02-05T15:30:00.004-05:00

new direction
new road
new journey.
all crap.

it's the same direction, but a different path.
it's the same road, but a different vehicle.
it's the same journey, but a different light.
it's all perspective.

sick day musings

2011-02-01T13:33:00.005-05:00

I woke up this morning and definitely felt the rumored cold/flu going around campus. It was in my sinuses, my throat, and definitely in my eyes (my biggest fear).

I hate waking up feeling like a diseased sack of life-I was so tired and without energy of any kind I lay in bed from the time my alarm went off at 8am to about 1pm before deciding coffee sounded delicious enough to put effort into.

Of course, my brain always goes at a million miles per minute, with the most random thoughts in the world. The first thought I remember thinking when I woke up was, "I wonder if Morgan Freeman enjoys the sound of his own voice as much as other people do?"

How this thought even popped into my mind, I have no idea, but now it's all I've been thinking about!

I also had the inevitable thoughts that now I have to wash pretty much EVERYTHING in my apartment to de-grossify it. The thought of viruses/bacteria producing on my towels, pillow cases, hands, makeup, and anything else I touch on a regular basis (that's what she said, I know), skeeves me out. I woke up and washed my face with tons of antibacterial soap, and then went for my hands...but all the way up to the elbows, like a surgeon preparing to take out an organ. Overreacting? I think not. When I get conjunctivitis annually, this seems like being smart versus being OCD (although, anyone who's lived with me could tell you I have my obsessive compulsive traits).

The funny thing is, I had a nightmare last week that I had gotten conjunctivitis, and woke up in disgust to go wash my face and hands and disenfect my bathroom/vanity area. I guess I'll probably be doing that all again with my sick day.

When I was a kid and got sick, my Mom used to make me toast with honey on it (my favorite thing in the world when the honey would soak into the bread and give it a little crunch with the crystallization), and a mug of chamomile tea (also with honey). I was then allowed to lay in bed with my bear/Mr Bunny under my arm and watch movies or TV. The Little Mermaid was usually my "sick movie" of choice, and I was allowed to watch shows not normally allowed (like cartoons!). I haven't had someone take care of me when I'm sick in so long (not including being sick because of adult beverages), but I'm not sure if I prefer that or not. I am usually the one taking care of other people, and feel weird being doted on. I'm just so used to taking care of myself that it feels odd to me when someone goes out of their way to take care of me. Hmmm, if that isn't true cynicism, I don't know what is. Go me.

All I want to do today is lay on the couch and watch bad TV...maybe put together my Tigger puzzle I've never gotten around to doing. I have the problem, though, of never being able to REALLY take a day off. I'm always on the go, always working, always feeling like I need to be productive in some fashion or another.

...maybe this is why I'm sick in the first place? I need to learn how to relax and take things in around me. I do to an extent, but I've always wanted to learn how to meditate. Maybe I'll try that today....

Hooray for adventures.

one of my favorite covers ever

2011-01-24T17:18:00.002-05:00

I love it when someone covers a song I absolutely love and it rivals the original in terms of originality and devotion to the core meaning of the piece:) This cover makes me want to learn to sing properly and cover such songs, instead of reserving my singing for when I shower and no one can (hopefully) hear me.

Old Timer

2011-01-23T19:20:00.003-05:00

Are old people really as good at story-telling as we think they are, the result of their accumulated years of wisdom and experience...

...or are we just all fools following a social stereotype and too afraid to tell someone decades our senior that they suck at telling stories?

The argument against Valentine's Day

2011-01-22T13:25:00.004-05:00

I have always had a soft spot for Valentine's Day, this being one of the holidays my entire family would celebrate together. On Valentine's Day when I was a kid, my siblings and I would wake up to a decorated dinging room, a special, homemade breakfast, and handmade Valentine's from my Mom, usually accompanied by mini potted roses. In this respect, this often controversial holiday became one of celebrating my love of the people in my life, not solely the person I was at the time "shacking up" with, as my Mom would so eloquently say.

I have since seen how much animosity exists in our society towards this holiday, mostly due to the excessive commercialization connected to February the 14th by major companies, tuning into our culture's need to assure others of their affections by using material objects and monetary worth.

A large majority of people I have talked to have an irrational hatred of this date, and will not stand to listen to my reasons for thoroughly enjoying it. Of course, up until this year, I was always dating someone, so I can see how people might have seen my attachment to the holiday as the result of being blinded by my current romance, but this year, I argue that I sill feel the same excitement for the 14th to roll around, and have not been in a relationship since August of this summer, nor am I desiring to be in one at this time.

This gives me a few things to mull over: one, perhaps my liking of the date stems from a connection to my family and not with a specific individual (which is probably what most people associate it with). And two, how can I (as a lover of this holiday) pass on the appreciation of this date without angering people, but allowing them to see how it could be appreciated and applicable to their lives despite them being single, angry with love, uninterested in love, and so on?

First things first, I would have to pass on the notion that they need to ignore the pink and red barrage of cards, toys, candy, and other material objects in stores (appearing earlier and earlier every year). In order to fully appreciate this holiday, you need to consciously tune out of the connection it has with consumerism. Love cannot be bought, no matter how much you spend on that dozen red roses, those diamond earrings, or that card that sings Frank Sinatra's "I get a kick out of you".

This puchasing of love falls especially heavy on the men of our society. Men are the vast majority of purchasers when it comes to this time of year, and with good reason. There is a huge pressure for men to "prove" their affection using the unfortunate tools of candy, flowers, jewelry, and other tangible items. According to a study published in Women's Day, men account for 73% of all floral sales on February 14th. In a published report done by the University of Las Vegas College of Business, 63% of males and only 31% of females feel "obligated to give a gift to their partner on Valentine's Day".

Why all the pressure on the men? This probably goes back to the evolutionary idea that men need to display their affections to the female in order to win her over. Male species in nature do this all the time, seen most prolifically in bird and fish species, where the males will display their colors and abilities to provide for the female before she will mate with them. Male bird species often build elaborate nests and then dance or call out to females, hoping to snag a lady during the mating season. If he loses out, he must wait until the next season comes around. The female will only choose the one she deems the best. This differs with duck species, where the female is forced into sexual relations with the male, but that's another story.

Are men taught that they must "prove" their interest in women by displaying themselves? The answer is, yes. Men in our society are told, either outright or subliminally that in order to win over women, they must provide. Be this in material objects, in meals on dates, in drinks at bars, or in physical comfort and support-men feel the pressure to prove their worth, and the female is simultaneously judging and keeping tabs on this effort to see if he "measures up" to her expectations. These expectations are usually disillusions created by such empires as Disney and Hallmark, which are the source of much anxiety on both gender's parts, with their unrealistic notions of romance and "true love" taking over the easily influenced hearts and minds of people looking for soul mates.

So why do so many women hate Valentine's Day? I know a good number of females who "detest" this day, and would give anything to see it fall off the face of the Earth. Aside from those staple populations who dislike this holiday (as well as many others on the U.S. calendar) because of their anti-materialism ideals (ironically, as they are playing on their newest version iPhone), the women I know who "hate" this holiday are usually those who are single, and feel that they have no place in a holiday focused on lovers. To these ladies, I make the plea that they should look into reframing this holiday into one where they can show their love to anyone in their lives who make it better. To me, I make handmade little notes of love and appreciation to those in my life who I feel make it all that much better. Tell people just how much they mean to you, and why you are thankful for them. This alone will make you feel amazing, and probably make someone else's day (especially if they too do not have a Someone to celebrate the day with). This is also an unexpected action, since people do not expect to get notes and gifts from someone other than a lover (unless you're still in grade school). So, being single (to me) is a lame excuse to dislike Valentine's Day. Don't be so self-centered and maybe you could see beyond your own drama and see the potential for a wonderful February the 14th instead of a day of mourning your solidarity.

Another argument, and one which I tend to agree with, is that this holiday is especially archaic in terms of fitting the modern relationship. These days, relationships are not the result of months of wooing and courting as they were in the past, and often happen (literally) overnight. The history behind Valentine's Day is very interesting to me, since people commonly refer to it as a day "made up by Hallmark" to increase profits. This might be halfway true, since they do reap the benefits of young lovers trying to prove themselves to one another, but the day stems as far back as the Roman Empire, when marriages were outlawed by Emperor Claudius II in an effort to prevent Roman soldiers from becoming too emotionally attached to their families when he needed soldiers to protect the ever-growing Empire from neighboring nations and armies. St. Valentine held secret marriages for soldiers who wanted to marry their sweetheart, and was thus deemed the Patron of Love. So, though today love is seemingly everywhere and without limits (unless you're gay, and thus fall into the love dilemma of the early Romans), displays of love have become commonplace and accepted-far away from these early heroic gestures of soul mates. This brings me to a conundrum, is Valentine's Day something of the past, and forcing people to hold on to extinct notions of affection? Should we as a culture reframe and redefine this holiday to better fit the current ideas of love? And is so, how can we accomplish this with such entities as Hallmark and Disney getting in the way and perpetuating these romantic fallacies?

In closing, I really do enjoy Valentine's Day, and wish it could be celebrated in a more applicable way to our current society, but it takes us as a culture to make this happen. Until this occurs, I am adamant in letting people know how much they mean to me, and in spreading my own gospel on the idea behind the holiday. It is also up to people not to allow their notions of love to become unrealistic and influenced by pop cultural ideals. Who really ever has a love affair like in the movies? When do people actually find a Prince Charming or a Knight in Shining Armour? Well, it really depends on your definitions of these ghost-like images. My Knight could very well be someone who remembers to wash the stovetop down after cooking something greasy, or who knows not to hold onto me when I'm having one of those "don't touch me" days, and gives me space. My Prince Charming could very well be someone who knows I need to shower alone, because it is MY time, and that sometimes I need to cry to feel better on a bad day.

Can I get you an eye roll with that?

2011-01-19T16:33:00.005-05:00

When did it become okay to be completely unprofessional in the workplace?

I feel like an old fart when I say things like "kids these days...", but I really have been seeing it more in people younger than myself, whereas the older people I interact with hang on for dear life to the ways of actually giving a shit about how you present yourself in your job. I have lost count of the times I've been places of business that seems to be run by high schoolers, and the lax and unprofessionalism going on is glaring. If I have to hear about another employee's drunken escapades as they half-assedly ring up my groceries and chat up their co-worker, I might find myself giving a speech on expectations and unprofessional behavior in the workplace. Is it within my rights as a consumer to expect to be treated in courteous and professional manner? What rights do I have if I am not? Will I come off as having too-high expectations and to just learn to deal with a society that could give two craps how they deal with customers and co-workers?

One of my biggest pet peeves is acting like a complete moron in the workplace, and thinking this behavior is completely fine. People act like they do with their friends while on the clock, but then have no one to teach them this is not acceptable-they have been coddled their whole lives by parents, teachers, and other "authority figures" who want everyone to be a winner, and not distress their children by showing them how the real world is. This essentially sets them up for a rude awakening when they get to college and are told they cannot have everything their way. Even more so when they graduate and start work in the "real world" and feel that they are getting the short end of the shit stick because they have no experience with hardship and failure (two things which are essential in developing into a competent and emotionally healthy adult).

Too bad I refuse to believe that we can't do better in this culture. I refuse to think that being courteous and professional is a thing of the past, and that "kids these days" are just a reflection of our expectations and reality as a modern culture.

We spend time during RA training in Residence Life teaching the RA's how to "be professional", which is something needed more and more these days, especially with this new generation, who have had their lives handed to them and are completely unaware of how to put their own needs and issues aside in the name of serving or assisting someone else. It's both terrifying to see this in our social future, and fascinating to see how different this population is from mine, my parents', and my grandparents' generations. The further back you go in generations, the more different and horrified they are of each other when it comes to being professional. The term has new and different meaning from one to the next, and it makes me wonder if I should learn to accept these new behaviors I see as rude as the new norm, or if I should strive to keep what I know as professional alive in the workplace? Will all my efforts push me ahead in life, or fall on deaf ears and seen as inhibited in the face of forceful and uncensored peers?

On the other end of the professionalism continuum, however, is the extreme professional, who is so hardcore with their political correctness and vanilla behavior that they are unable to truly bond with others in the workplace, instead seeing it as a place to scold others on their (by comparison) bad behavior, and kiss up to the big cheeses.

There is a good medium between these two extremes, and like in every other aspect in life, we need to find a balance and work with it. We cannot, however, find this balance if we do not have role models and other people in our lives to challenge and support us. Much like a parrot, we need to witness and then copy something, often times more than once to get it right.

I still hold on hope that professionalism is not a thing of the past, but rather in remission for the time being.

crybaby

2011-01-18T13:39:00.002-05:00

This is mostly a female phenomenon, but sometimes a girl has got to get her cry on to make it through a bad day.

This morning started out with me being too tired to roll out of bed when my alarm went off, so I set it for an hour later and drifted back to sleep. I was awakened by a text from my boss asking me to do something for work. If this isn't a sign of a crappy day, I don't know what is. I jumped out of bed and went to figure out the request, and got a call from my co-worker asking about the same thing-the tension in his voice was palpable, as he was scurrying around trying to accomplish the same task. He said he would stop by my apartment on his way into work to pick up the piece of paper we were all searching for (me being annoyed that in this day and age, we had no electronic version of the important information). Of course, I was still in my PJ's (meaning, my birthday suit) and had to jump into whatever outfit was nearest and somewhat presentable. I had slept in my makeup and hadn't showered yet, so I resembled something akin to prostitute vagabond in my smudged eyeliner and messy bed hair. I threw on some coffee to brew before rushing to find this important paper-I remembered I hadn't brushed my teeth yet, and cursed out loud as I tore apart my filing drawer. My co-worker came by shortly after, and I presented the paper to him. He looked tired and frazzled, and I knew he wouldn't judge me for my own unkempt appearance. I closed the door after he left and leaned my forehead against it-what a way to start the morning.

It's now only mid-afternoon, and I'm feeling still frazzled, behind, and annoyed with people. It's one of those days when I don't want to read my emails for fear of having to add more to my to-do list, and I don't want to answer texts from friends, for fear of having to turn them down when they want to hang out. I have no social plans as of right now, everything being a haze of work, internship duties, and academic assignments. I must have jinxed myself when I was claiming this semester would be easier than last.

Is it really only Tuesday?

labeling and assumptions

2011-01-17T22:38:00.004-05:00

I don't mean to harp on a problem I've clearly already complained about, but why do people think that if you're single, it automatically means you're looking to be with someone?

I'm growing tired of people thinking I'm "fair game" now that Facebook makes this declaration. I'm wearing this label with pride and content, not shame and neediness.

Let's get this straight, I'm single by choice, I like it, and I'm not looking for anything exclusive or committed anytime soon. It's only been five months of this lifestyle, most of which is taken up by being a graduate student and essentially a "career woman", so only about half of that time would count (unless you argue that I'm "married to my work", which is a whole other bag of golf balls).

the show Sex and the City made famous the phrase, "Single and fabulous", but I would argue that this phrase is redundant, and it should really be "Single is fabulous", or merely "Single' OR "Fabulous" since they both get the same point across: you're fine on your own and not on the lookout. Being "single" and being "single and looking" should really be two completely different labels in our society. Someone needs to change their title and clear up some of the confusion. It would do a lot of people a world of good.

P.S. I love finding mathematical formulas for human emotions. Something I've been searching for online lately.

P.P.S. I also can't find a picture to fit this mindset.

My Life in Shoes

2011-01-15T22:47:00.004-05:00

Dear Closet,

I am on the verge of an unhealthy addiction.

As of now, I can probably safely call it an at-bay fascination, or a high-peak interest, but nonetheless, it's becoming harder and harder to hold it off as I get older and more in tune with the ways of the world.

I have a predisposition to a shoe addiction, and with each passing fashion trend and resurgence of old ones, I kick myself for not being a horrendous millionaire who can blow an entire day shoe shopping. You can do whatever you set your mind to? What would people think if my mind were set to own hundreds of pairs of beautiful shoes, enough to wear a different pair each day of the year, and maybe even two or three pairs per day (depending on the outfit and weather)? Do I care what people say?

As of now, my closet holds only the saddest collection of Payless flats and cheaply made heels, along with some less than flattering sneakers and way too many flip flops. Luckily, I make them work by changing things up with my outfits, but I usually fall into the trap of wearing only flip flops during the summer months, and only my winter boots in the winter, reserving the "cute" shoes for those few days in between that are actually safe from mud and offensive foot sweat. I am a daydreamer of shoes, and allow this to be the only thing I ever window shop for-the only non-pet thing, that is. But that is another story completely.

Shoes have become a symbol of not only class and sex appeal, but also of confidence and womanhood. Femininity can now be worn in stilettos; flats; knee-high, ankle-high,and thigh-high boots; pumps, peep toes; sling backs; wedges; platforms; sandals; ballet flats-the list goes on, and so does the image and message you want to get across. A woman can convey her feelings by her choice of shoes, but can also give mixed messages-much like a woman herself.

I have never owned a really fabulous pair of shoes, much less a pair that cost over $50, but I daydream and browse stores and online endlessly, often finding myself curling my feet and biting my lip at the images of such works of art. I wonder if this is an unusual reaction to seeing something so blatantly materialistic and seemingly vain? Am I really just as capitalistic as the next American, and live my life working paycheck to paycheck in order to buy my own happiness and fulfillment? How would I even know I would feel these things if I were to obtain such objects? I think it depends on exactly the product, and whether or not I find it illustrates me as a person. I like to express myself with my fashion and accessories, and finding little outlets such as shoes and purses and other outfit add-ons become something I really enjoy.

Take for example, my so-called "drag queen disco ball purse". I bought this purse at the last craft fair on campus after looking for months for a replacement to my old and stained bookbag I had been using for almost a year (and through a summer of landscaping. This eggplant purple, silver and purple sequin covered, size of a hefty textbook purse caught my eye as it sat beneath a pile of scarves. I knew I needed that purse, and even though it was Christmas time, I went against my "nothing for myself" proclamation and bought it. The ladies running the shop were ecstatic and said they had been waiting to see who would choose this bag as their own all day-I was more than happy to take on this tacky, glittery, light-reflecting mess of a bag and call it mine. I meet new people because of it every day now, mostly women, who literally stop and gaze at it and usually want to touch it to see that it's real. I love that it has become a conversation starter and a symbol of my wacky and playful personality. I want this same feeling with my shoes, but unfortunately they tend to be out of my price range.

I might have to make do with deals I find in overstock stores and Amazon clearance sections for now, but one of these days (before I'm too old, and have to choose between wearing heels and having a solid hip bone) I will own a pair of Manolo's, and I will be fabulous in them.

Sincerely,
Vain and Materialistic, but Eternally Optimistic

Spring Cleaning!

2011-01-13T22:53:00.005-05:00

This might be my favorite time of year, simply for the cleansing aspect of it.

There are a few things I have been mentally adding to to-do lists as part of this Spring revamping, such as going through my closet, throwing out things from Fall semester that I no longer need/want, giving my apartment a once-over and getting rid of any "junk" (a word I just found out originated as a nautical term referring to bits and pieces of rope with unknown origin. Thank you, NCIS), as well as rearranging any rooms I find stuffy or un-zen. I need a room to look inviting when I walk into, which is why my living room has been the bane of my existence since I moved in. I cannot find any layout I can get comfortable with, and have been obsessively rearranging it about once a month-hurting myself with about the same frequency in the process.

Aside from the physical space cleansing, I want to do some other forms of spring cleaning that are less...visible.

I have been thinking for a while that I should jump on the Facebook "purging" fad, and remove friends I have never actually been friends with (like high school peers), or people I really don't care to be associated with (like friends of friends I accepted simply to be polite). I also want to improve my mental focus and remove the mental junk that clogs up my mind. I'll probably keep up with writing on this blog and in my bedside poetry/art journal (almost time for a new one!) and stick to my exercise routine for this one. I have also been listening to very thought provoking and emotion evoking music. I only sometimes listen to the radio, and always find myself judging the quality of both the lyrics and the actual "music" part of songs on the radio these days. It still surprises me how much people will choose a crappy catchy tune over a more unique and quality one. People want songs they can "rock out" to, with a catchy beat, simple lyrics, and no depth. I like my songs to be like poetry, with unpredictable rhyme schemes, deep and double meanings, unexpected twists and instruments, and hopefully an off tempo beat. Three of my favorite things in life that I know help keep my balanced and sane in keeping my introverted tendencies attended to: music, creative outlet, and exercise. I suppose I could think of a few more, but let's keep this post PG.

I also think I need to reevaluate the TV shows I watch. For instance, why do I continue to watch Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice when these are both clearly glorified soap operas? I fall into these bad patterns of continuing to watch a series because I feel I've invested a certain amount of time and personal interest into the characters and plot line and thus do not want to just give up on it-even if it is a show like Cougar Town, a show I continue to watch with wrinkled nose and judgmental eyebrows, and yet it's on my screen every week! I am a bit of a TV junkie, having more patience for a 1/2 hour or hour-long show that might suck versus a three-hour feature film that might suck. I want to get into a new show, which can hopefully replace a few of my old craptastic shows. I am, however, still midway into ST: Voyager, Northern Exposure, and Sex and the City, which I want to finish. I need to be ruthless and cut the shows that add nothing to my life. I need to watch something that either, A. makes me laugh (a lot), B. makes me cry (a considerable amount, and not in the sheer pain of having to sit and watch it), and C. makes me learn something (like a documentary series). I might pick up a series like Scientific American Frontiers, or Nova. I used to watch both of these as a kid, and miss watching something chock full of intelligence and facts. Maybe I'll turn into a documentary snob, and start spouting sentences that start with the words, "have you seen this wonderful documentary...". I watched my first Woody Allen film the other night and really liked it! I was always afraid to like him since he slept with his daughter those years ago and I decided that he was an awkward creep. As it turns out, he's an awkward creep with a splendid comedic ability! I plan on watching more of his stuff, and more stuff Academy Award worthy in general to cleanse my mind of the crap movies I usually watch-all very funny and forgettable, and lacking true meaning and depth.

I'm also making the effort to have thoughtful, philosophical, and original conversations with people. I love a good natured debate, and miss having them with people over coffee. I used to have two very close friends who would have coffee with me almost every week and discuss topics in the news, random controversies, and our ideas and opinions on life. This was in my undergrad days, and both have moved away, leaving me to search out my intelligent conversation partners in others. This has proven to be a challenge, since most of the people I know do not hit that same note of being able to have a friendly debate and see the other person's side of things. I don't want it to become a huge complain fest (although, I will be the first to admit I can get sucked into this behavior very easily, and it annoys me). I have a few people I can have these convos with, but they live so far away, it isn't a coffee treat, but an online one, usually. I guess I need to adjust my debate skills. Or find some more people who can speak intelligently on many topics and still have respect for my views.

I keep wanting to explore the realms of meditation, but I'm such an impatient person, I can't make myself sit quietly and focus without giving up after five minutes, tops. I think I might get back into drawing with charcoal, which I remember as being very meditative to me when I took my art class, and gave me some of my best introspective moments to date. I was so into it, I even had an "art time" iTunes playlist that I listened to each time I worked on my assignments. I should really have taken another art class, but I did not want to commit to another academic obligation this semester if I didn't have to, so I can focus on doing well in my internship and GA position.

I'm planning on rearranging and making pretty the back room that I use for storage, and making it accessible and welcoming for my art and craft projects. The one thing lacking would be music, since my speakers are in the front room, and I would have to move them for it to work. I suppose I could crank the volume or listen to my iTouch as I work.

I repotted all of my plants the other day, and had forgotten how much I love working with plants and soil. I wish it were plausible for me to have a garden on campus, but it would get destroyed overnight with the hoards of mindless college students trolling the campus. I might start a little windowsill garden in my kitchen with some herbs and maybe a tomato plant. The heaters right below the windows make me nervous. Maybe African violets are in order? I would love to grow vines of morning glories, my second favorite flower!

So, yes. Spring has indeed awakened some things within me, and I look forward to this semester:)

Use Protection

2011-01-12T00:23:00.006-05:00

how do you get to a point where you feel ready to be with one person? What about knowing you want to settle down with one person and be with that person for the rest of your life? And how about knowing you're both ready to create and bring another human being into this world?

It's all so BIG to me, and so abstract right now, it's hard to even fathom the idea-and I'm one of the biggest daydreamers and visualizers I know.

I'm starting to feel like I'm moving away from something I was on the path towards a few years ago. I was on the fast track to settling down (or was it pure settling?) and then abruptly changed course at the last minute. Now, I'm going in the complete opposite direction, and exploring the realms of non-commitment, non-exclusivity, and simply being single. "single" is one of those words that can either be taken as a powerful statement, or as a sad and meek identity, synonymous to "alone". I have seen it as freeing and something I haven't gotten a chance to explore for over 8 years. I am finally beginning to identify as "Single" and be proud of it. I am sure a day will come when it wears on me, and I'll be desperate to find someone...anyone to be with and spend time with and connect with, but for now the possibilities seem so vast and exciting, I can't give into any temptations. I seem to have managed to mentally check out of the commitment mindset, and am now a bona-fide...whatever the female version of a bachelor is. Is there really not a word for that? Whether or not this is a good thing for me is yet to be determined, but I've been finding out a lot about myself in the past few months: what I want, what I know I don't want, and just self-reflection on my ideals, goals and values.

It's been frightening, lonely, beautiful, and inspirational. I am free to do what I want without the hold of someone else keeping me back or blinding me to possibilities, but I've also found myself occasionally missing having a Person-someone I come home to and feel that level of comfort and stability I used to know and like. Maybe I'm just subscribing to social convention and bending to the norm or pairing off with someone; maybe I'm actually feeling a need for this and/or am missing having a relationship. I think I'm not done being on my own, and am mentally forcing myself to look beyond this idea of being with someone, for what? I know I sound like a complete cynic, and possibly pretentious and obnoxious, but at my core I am a hopeless romantic until the end. I just have issues with the idea that I need someone else to be happy, or that I need someone else for anything, really. I make myself happy, and if someone comes along and supplements my life in ways I cannot do on my own, that will be lovely, and I will consider calling them my Person.

I still hold objection to most anything with formal ceremony involved. I feel uncomfortable and fake whenever there is anything with rituals, cheesy readings, even cheesier songs, and the like. I only mention this because my latest thoughts on love also go along with things like weddings: I want something completely unconventional and completely me. I want a ship captain to perform whatever "official" thing that will commit us together, and for it to be without government or religious aspects at all. I am not committing myself to any god, nor to the state. I suppose this would not make it an official "marriage", but more like a commitment ceremony, but I greatly dislike that term. It sounds so high school and overtly hippie and overtly counterculture, which is not my intention. Also, it has the word "ceremony", which, again, is not my style.

I'm also against changing my name. I do the girl thing and say my name with the last name of the guys I'm interested in, and so far NONE of them work. Either this is because I like my name as-is, or it's a sign that none of them were the "right" one (I'm all about signs and superstitions). Or it's something completely different, like the fact that I'm stubborn and do not want to give up a piece of my identity. That goes into the whole state and church being tied into love thing. No wonder there is such a high divorce rate and the cultural image of marriage is that of people being dead-ended and unhappy: they profess their love for one another and their identity is yanked from them by their religion, their government, and the woman loses her name and is forced to take on a new one. Getting into feminist ideas, I should stop while I'm still sane.

Of course, after my anti-establishment speech, I will probably end up having the most typical and traditional wedding ceremony ever to grace the earth: in a church, with a man of God, with friends and family seated in pews and wearing ugly hats as they blow noses into embroidered handkerchiefs. I'll probably even ride off in a carriage and toss my bouquet over my head as we ride off...gag.

(I wonder what I would be like as a married woman...this thought scares me). Oddly enough, I love reading and watching anything to do with weddings. I can appreciate that they are beautiful moments in people's lives, and I always cry when I attend them.

Tangent.

I suppose this post was really about my identity, and where I see myself in relation to that potential Someone, and hoping being in love does not always have to mean losing a part of who you are as a person-especially when you know you've worked hard on yourself and are proud and happy.

A New Semester! AKA, Optimism

2011-01-11T13:31:00.005-05:00

This semester looks to be awesome in terms of most everything.

I have an internship with Campus Activities and Student Engagement (CASE), I have only a stats class and two one-credit courses, so my academics won't be too stressful (thank God after last semester), I'm an SDA representative for the Graduate Student Government, and I'm now going to be doing all the Housing duties for our complex. Lots of new stuff, but I feel like I will have more time to do things I really want to, and that most days (though busy) won't leave me begging to go home and cry from the sheer amount of petty work and demands put on me/my team.

I am actually going to make an effort to get to the fitness center this semester (went yesterday!), but I need to find out when it's less busy. Having to wait in line for a machine is both counterintuitive to even being there in the first place, and annoying as all hell. Plus, the people who tend to be there at peak hours are the ones I disdain, mostly for their "meathead" attitudes and behaviors. Thank you, dude, I do not need to see your tribal tattoos through your over-priced muscle-tee, and thank you, lady, I don't care how much cleavage you are actually able to display over your sports bra and top before actually showing nipple. Also, when it becomes more of a process to work out than the actual workout is, I begin to question my being there versus being outside or in my apartment. I had to go in search of clean towels to wipe down my machine after using it, and finally had to resort to walking to the bathroom and grabbing paper towels to do so (something a lot of people were doing, surprisingly). Had the social pressure of being a clean-freak with workout machinery not forced this, I would have left the machine as-is and told the next person to just deal with my sweaty handrails and bike seat. Hopefully my future excursions go better!

I'm mostly excited to be on the Campus Activities team now, as I am a born creator and planner, and this is where my skills will be honed. I can also attend all the awesome events on campus and get the behind the scenes view of them, awesome! Plus, the staff is very laid back and chill about things, with a great sense of humor, so I think we'll all get along. I'll also be working some with Greek Life on campus, an area I hardly know, so chose to get a better view of how they work and what it means to "be Greek". I might turn into a liaison between ResLife, CASE, and Greek Life, since there is a history of there being a divide between our departments/organizations, but this is something I hope to happen and strengthen our connection on campus to better serve the students. Wow, that totally sounded like an answer to an interview. Hire me, I rule.

P.S. I love Valentine's Day (no pun intended), and cannot wait to make the people I love in life Valentine's and share how much they mean to me:)

love, logic, and being stood up

2010-12-31T13:21:00.004-05:00

I guess the problem is that I've never really and truly been stood up before.

Like Sydnie said last night, "the White girls do not get stood up". I can agree with her, not in a snobby, "I'm too good to be left hanging" way, but in a more, "how dare someone make solid plans with me and then bail the night before via TEXT!"

I'm still unsure what to make of it, and keep finding all these hidden meanings as to what the implications might be. I'm not even sure if HE knows what the implication might be. Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but it has been three days since we talked and we used to text every day. Either this was his wussy way of bailing on things completely (in which case, congratulations on going out as a huge ass), OR now he's unsure if he should contact me because of being a huge ass and canceling New Year's plans. I'm hoping for the latter, of course, because I'm a sucker for a cutie with good hair and nice arms.

I'm glad I went out anyway, and go my New Year's kiss, but I'm still puzzled over our current status. I pretty much detest the ambiguity of this whole dating thing. Most of it is on my part, and I keep specifying that I do not want to be involved with anyone that would be exclusive and serious (yet), but it's still frustrating to live through it.

I had one of the best conversations last night with an old friend from high school on the topic of love, romance, expectations, and ties to both the government and religion. We also discussed how we can try to make love and lust more rational (which is my mindset lately), but logic is always based in emotion, no matter how you frame it. As Dave said last night, "if it were not based in emotions, then we would not have philosophical courses or discussions because we would have a one known way of things to occur, without variation based on schools of thought".

Ethics and logic often go hand in hand, one of which is well-known to be highly emotional and the other void of it (I'll let you guess which is which), but humans are highly emotional people, so it makes no sense that humans themselves can go without there being emotions tied to anything in life. I told Dave that I think of my new ways of thinking about love and logic as more of a lens or way of managing all the ambiguity that goes along with my emotional heart and soul. If I have a sort of framework to use, it makes me feel that I have more control over what I do with my emotions and who I allow myself to like (based on the practicality of the individual situation and where I am in my life personally), which means a lot in this day and age (socially and personally). I like to think I can put-off love if it's not right for me. I've been in too many relationships based on lust and trivial reasons-sometimes seeking solace in someone else after the end of a previous relationship, sometimes just curious about what might occur with someone I'm attracted to.

I have a bad pattern of getting involved with people I've known from my past, but have always been involved with someone else at the time of knowing them. Then, I become single and suddenly they crawl out of the woodwork-all of a sudden interested in what's going on in my life again. Weird. I do give them the time of day, of course, but am hesitant to get involved with people I've already known, feeling more like I want newness. There's something about the start of a new year that goes along with this mindset: look forward and not back. Start fresh.

I digress, but that is how my mind works. In conclusion, I'm not happy about being stood up, but everything happens for a reason and I'm excited for a New Year and what might come along with it:)

Ex's and Oh no's

2010-12-23T20:32:00.003-05:00

is there a time limit or expiration date on the awkwardness that follows either a break-up or a discontinuation of seeing someone?

One of the most frustrating things I have experienced in my adult life is the weirdness that follows cutting things off with someone-almost always on the guy's side, as I try to mend the damages or hurt feelings done. I usually feel it is my responsibility to help someone through their pain, feeling responsible for it, and helpless as they spill their hearts out to me and try to give a reason why things should continue.

I never have a "good" answer for them, only knowing that it doesn't "feel right", which is usually a lame response to the inevitable "why?"

I always try to rekindle a friendship with these people who have left imprints on my life, and who I have spent some of my most memorable moments, but then the When Harry Met Sally Syndrome kicks in (reference to one of my earlier blog complaints), and the other party feels this is my way of trying to get back together-despite my laid out intentions and disclaimers.

I am always good-intentioned with my trying to stay connected, but it always seems to backfire on me with troubles and issues arising from the past and new ones with trying to figure out our new roles as NOT together.

I wanted to give my last ex a Christmas gift this year, something I had seen while I was out and made me think of him, but when I actually made the moves to get it to him, I was met with animosity and one word text responses. I suppose I should not have been surprised or hurt by this, since I ended things, and since it hasn't been that long since it ended, but I felt this was an act on my part somewhat akin to a peace-giving or homage to our relationship. When asking a guy friend (also an ex) what his thoughts were on the situation he stated that he felt it was "pointless to buy an ex a gift because all you're doing is either insulting him or suggesting that you'll get back together", which is something I would never have thought.

Is this the "typical girl" in me that longs to make peace with those I've been attached to?
Are men and women not meant to stay connected after they've been together and failed at being together?
Am I wrong in thinking this is wrong and feeling intent on making peace with or becoming on good terms with the people I have been in relationships with? I find it ridiculous and unnecessarily taxing and awkward to forever pretend you were never with a person who for a period of time was your Person. How can you just erase that from your mind and heart? It frustrates me that we are socialized to erase an experience as beautiful as love, however fickle it might be.

Another insight from my guy friend: "you broke up with him so you've given up all rights to contact him. I think it's shitty when someone dumps a person but tries to be buddies with them".

Maybe I'm too hopeful when it comes to people.

finals week mental status

2010-12-15T09:51:00.004-05:00

I am so close to being done with this semester it hurts.

I was mentally checked-out weeks...no, months ago, but have been using every fiber of my being to push through this mental wall and get things done. Last night I made myself finish my paper, even though I was falling asleep at the keyboard, and then later had insomnia until 3am. I eventually used my old trick of sleeping at the wrong side of the bed...something zen about changing directions in bed once in a while.

I'm so excited to finish everything and finally get the chance to:
a. really CLEAN my apartment, after weeks of clutter and dust. It has been driving me nuts, and my ADD/OCD tendencies are freaking out.
b. Finally get started on Christmas gifts.
c. finish Christmas cards
d. watch Christmas movies!
e. Throw out all the stuff from this semester that I do not need and feel a weight lifted off...yes, it's my bi-annual trash session and apartment cleansing. Maybe I need a priest or something to fully expunge the place of bad energy, past ghosts and whatnot. I doubt I could find one so close to Christmas. Maybe next year.

I wish I had a small, fuzzy creature to keep me company while I fuse myself with my computer.

music

2010-12-14T10:07:00.004-05:00

I am obsessed with indie music lately, especially any band who uses the banjo or unusual instruments, or who add interesting sounds to the mix. I've been listening to Radical Face and Mumford and Sons on Pandora, and have found so many new bands to fill my craving of new music.

I have post-it notes of bands and songs all over my desk, and lists taped to the wall.

Might have a problem.

I see it, though, as a fine appreciation of an art. I find it increasingly hard to listen to anything on the radio these days, and hardly know the "new hip" thing out on the Top 40 lists. My sister made fun of me over Thanksgiving break because I didn't know who Nicki Minaj was, but I hardly felt bad when I listened to some of her work. Half of it was okay, the rest was fine by me to be lost in the mess of current music typology for pop culture: a combination of noise, rude lyrics, innuendos, and violence (all completely unnecessary, in my opinion). The message of love is usually paired with calling someone a "sexy bitch" or must include some form of getting intoxicated to be with someone (thank you K$sha). Let's not forget that you no longer need to be talented to be an "artist"-just have a "hott bod", and a slightly tolerable face.

Thank God for so-called indie tunes. Yes, this makes me sound like an uber music snob...and I am. I feel I have to be in order to have any self-respect. I could never rock out to the latest Akon, Usher, and Britney and still like myself in the morning for knowing all the lyrics, or what the music videos contained in terms of naked scenes and super cool slow motion moves with light effects.

I am a music snob, but I like good music. And I don't judge other people for the music they like.

That last part is a lie. I totally judge other people for music they like.

I feel that the music you like (much like the books you own and have read) show a HUGE aspect of the person. It shows the depth of their personality, the range of it, the ability to take on new and unique things, their general curiosity in life. When I find out a person uses quotes from Top 40 songs to describe themselves or their current mood, I roll my eyes. When I see they use quotes from "underground" bands and music, I smile. Perhaps I need to attend a seminar to deal with this blatant prejudice against more than half the population, but I find this is a good discrimination to have.

I feel a fun sense of camaraderie with another person when we know the same obscure band or song, and am immediately drawn to them and their dynamic personality. I find it hilarious when I hear, "you like K$sha too?!". I can almost hear them smash their faces directly after their statement as their sense of depth in music is explored.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my occasional guilty pleasures in music and definitely get jiggy with it when Chris Brown's 'Forever' comes on, or most cheesy boyband tunes from the late 90s (I'm especially fond of BSB and LFO), but I know when enough is enough, and try to challenge my mind by constantly finding new music, artists, ways of performing and incorporating different sounds into the experience. Where pop radio is stuck on the voice synthesizer, indie and folk and electronica are constantly finding new and exciting ways to bring me amazing sounds, and I am always eager to hear more.

Of course, I still have a soft spot in my heart for country music, and receive a lot of flack for it, so I find it's a good balance of being a music snob, but also knowing when to bite my tongue when judging others for their taste.

I just can't help but be judgmental when I see someone dedicating "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder (ugh) to their girlfriend when it's a song about CHEATING.

The ability to look past the lyrics of the song simply for a catchy tune is embarrassing in our culture, but it's an epidemic.

All this and I'm only on my second cup of coffee.

Moral of the story: try to expand your music experience. Music IS an experience, and you shouldn't cheat yourself out of it by allowing the local pop radio station to dictate what you hear for the entirety of your life. Go looking for new music, it's a search that is HIGHLY rewarding and never-ending. LISTEN to the lyrics as much as the tune-and look up the lyrics and read them. You may say you don't like poetry, but music is poetry, and if you like music, you can stand to read the lyrics. Refrain from dedicating the song of the day to loved ones with the intent of revealing your "true feelings"-this is like proposing to someone with a Cracker Jack's ring and buying them pink carnations for Valentine's Day: tacky and shallow.

Second moral of the story: I'm probably judging you by the music you listen to, and by what's on your bookshelves.

2010-12-02T20:59:00.002-05:00

That's what she said.

My Life is Too Small

2010-12-01T09:31:00.003-05:00

The only way I can describe it is that there is something constantly pressing me down and keeping me enclosed in a small space when I feel like I could grow and roam so much farther than I am now.

It's uncomfortable and frustrating to me, when I feel I need to reach out to more places, see more people, feel more experiences and have to succumb to the social pathways that will allow me to "be successful" in life before I can go off and do what I want.

I wonder how many people can associate with how I feel, or if we're all programmed and trained over our lifetimes to forget that freedom and need to explore? It's sad, really, like the last piece of your childhood gets smothered when your adult takes over your body and mind.

perspectives

2010-11-22T21:35:00.005-05:00

My life is a to-do list.

Every morning I wake up and before my coffee is even started brewing I dread looking over what I need to do for the day. I already know that my day and most of my night will be full of errands, duties, obligations, meetings, planning, busy work, and the like. Half of that time is spent going over what needs to be done tomorrow, and the next day, and the next week. My "down time" occurs only when I have to mentally check out from my obligations at school and work and try to focus on spending some quality time with friends and various other people...still, I always end my social times with regret of the time spent in a non-productive manner. I feel like our society is turning us into fun-sucking, non-social, constantly-on-the-go workaholics, with a fear of falling behind being so great that we forget to remember the important things in life and instead let them fly by us without realizing we should jump on them before it's too late.

Today, I visited with an old friend from when I lived in Eastport. She'd recently had a stroke, and has been in the hospital over the weekend for observation and treatment. I'm not sure how much longer her sassy self will be around (being 88, and racking up the hospital visits already), so I made it a point to see her now. How could I live with myself if I had chosen to go to class over visiting my dear friend, Ellen? But that's the thing about my life, people make me feel I should prioritize things that, in the long-run, don't mean anything. My professors speak of their class assignments and the due dates like they were essential stepping-stones in the promise of human rights and freedoms. In their eyes, missing an assignment is worse than standing in class and declaring your love and devotion for the Third Reich. After visiting with Ellen, and coming to the heartbreaking realization that her stroke had caused her to forget exactly who I was and why I was not in her room to draw blood, I decided I can't let my academics and GA position take over my life. What if I had gone to class today and not seen her? What if she had passed in the night? What if I had been playing "student development theory jeopardy" with my professor while she was taking her last breath, and I did not find out about it until the day after?

I understand it is important to write papers, give informed reading responses, know my APA formatting, and get all my interviews and observations in regarding issues on college campuses, but is it really such a big deal in the great scheme of things? I think (highly) not.

Time for me to pack for Dad's. "packing" includes: toiletries, a nice outfit for Thanksgiving, and a shit-ton of homework. Again, I am going to start boycotting homework given out over break-total horse-shit, is what it is. And when my professors talk about how stressed out graduate students are, I cringe at their condescending remarks, thinking they really pile on the work to get back at us for them having a craptastic time in their own graduate days.

Thus, the circle of life.

Happy Thanksgiving.

On a good note, my apartment is sparkling with my Christmas decorations and I've been playing Christmas music all day:) The warmness of my heart and soul is remarkable right now.

I simultaneous love and hate life in this moment. But it's all perspective, right?

Life in a college town

2010-11-20T19:26:00.004-05:00

it's funny to me how people in a college town function on the weekends.

First of all, "weekends" start on a Thursday in college towns.

Girls dress up like hussies and parade themselves around like intoxicated livestock at an auction.

Men bring out the primal side of themselves and go on the hunt for females willing to hook up and never look back.

People try to top their own limits in every way imaginable.

Running from the cops becomes a normal weekend activity.

Being loud and obnoxious becomes a personal mission to each person-and being the center of attention with their rude and insulting comments.

Starting fights, destroying others' property, declaring your hatred for some things and never-ending love for others are normal behavior.

Ending the night by either puking your guts out in a bar bathroom or alleyway or completely blacking out is a "good time".

What's not to get, I suppose? And people wonder why I prefer to stay in on the weekends.

"I want I want I want, me me me, mine mine mine, now now now.."

2010-11-09T21:06:00.003-05:00

Only some will get the title reference, and for those who do, well done:)

on my mind tonight: I want to travel. I have the "leave Orono bug" like I've never had before, and am wondering what's different this year to cause it to flare up so badly. I think a large part of it is realizing that Orono is getting smaller and younger with each passing year, and with it goes all the connections and bonds I've spent years working on with people. Another reason is that I'm sick of knowing the same people, being connected to the same people, and running into and being reminded of the same people, even as I am making significant progress in my own personal growth and professional advancement.

This summer, I plan on going somewhere I've never been before...alone. I will have my car by then, and hope to find a place either in the U.S. (outside of Maine), or out of the country (Borneo is at the top of the list) where I can do some solo time and hopefully make some money in a new and exciting way. I've been doing research on working at a orangutan rehabilitation center, but it costs money to go to those, so I'm going to look into working at a wildlife refuge or something similar where I could gain life experience and also a pay stub. If I break even, so be it, I just can't put myself in the whole more than now. I've been looking at dude ranches in the Montana area as well, but they seem to be more tourist exhibits than what I've been looking for, so maybe a real working cattle ranch could do me some good.

I had wanted to raise money and do the AT this summer (well, as much of it as I can get in during the summer months), but that costs so much, and people keep telling me I would not be fit enough to do it. I'm trying to take that as a compliment and not think they're calling me weak and sad.

back to the title, I don't want things-I want experiences. And Maine is just not giving this to me at the moment. Maybe for my next trick I should look at other grad schools.

my dream home

2010-11-04T23:58:00.002-04:00

I found this picture when I was doing my daily Stumbles, and could not believe how beautiful and ideal this picture....place, was for me. There's the perfect balance of whimsy and comfort in both the architecture of the home and in the land that surrounds it.

Of course I fell in love with it, and now I want to find either this house or one very similar when I finally decide to settle down. Hell, finding this house might be the very reason I decide to settle down, with or without my Person or any other socially marked form of becoming an adult.

Maybe my fairy tale isn't a person, but a place. I've commonly felt that feeling when I've been in locations, but only once with a person before...and even then it turned out to be a Nightmare (inside "joke").

2010-11-04T14:01:00.003-04:00

I've been under a pile of homework and reslife work since August, and now I finally feel like I can come up and breathe again. I've been freaking out a little about all the small side assignments that go along with my two major classes, but now I feel like I am finally getting the rhythm. There are only 5 weeks left in the semester, and things are winding down, so I can try and focus more on the programming I've been neglecting in reslife.

I've been wondering if this is really what I want to do with my life, which I think stems from the frustration of working in my position as an overworked and under-recognized grad student assistant. My social life is essentially gone, and all I do is read, plan events, respond to situations, and get lectured at for not doing one thing or another.

"Blarg" is my new favorite word and sound.

Of course I will buck up and push my way through, but it's hard to see why people do this to themselves. I guess I will look back on this when I'm older and wiser and appreciate the pushes from every direction, but for now it's annoying as hell.

(...)

2010-09-27T00:12:00.002-04:00

again with the need for disclaimers.

I need to meet other people.

exercise

2010-09-25T20:44:00.003-04:00

I need to run more. It's probably the best form of therapy in the world.

I love running around campus at night when no one is around, since I can pretty much go where I want without running into someone (literally), but maybe it's a bad idea that I'm running around in the dark...with headphones. Hmm. I should invest in some mace.

penny for my thoughts

2010-09-24T08:47:00.004-04:00

I want a new tattoo. It's been on my mind for some time now, but I am having a hard time deciding what to get. I really want to find something that symbolizes me as a person, but this much harder a task than I thought it would be.
Some ideas I've been going over include a tree made of words, phrases, quotes, and symbols I feel connected to, or feel represent me in some fashion. This could be a completely amazing tattoo, but it might be bigger than I am ready to do. My vision would have it placed at the top of my spine, with the branches reaching up and outward, and there being roots going down my spine area. The words and phrases would be the branches and roots, while the leaves would be symbols, maybe single words as well. I need to make some sketches to get the idea out of my head and in the world.
I also would like some more art on my stems. I absolutely love having them be decorated with my honey bee and black cat, and think I could manage some more if it's tastefully done and somewhat related to these two. I might do something more with the cat, since it could easily be a part of a little tattoo story along my foot. I've been toying with the idea of adding something more to make it Tim Burton-ish: using the Nightmare font to write something from the cat's paw, adding a jack o'lantern, adding a whirly arrow, as he is so fond of drawing (or a number of his amazing sketches!). The bee could easily have some type of flower (wild, or whimsical, of course).

My new favorite songs completely contradict each other. "you don't know me" by Ben Folds, and "swallowed in the sea" (Coldplay, but I completely prefer the acappella version). I find it highly amusing that I could absolutely love and emotionally connect with two songs like this, which clearly stand for two completely different ideas: one is about how a couple never really knew each other the whole time they were dating, and the one party is wondering why they are even together; the other is about knowing someone is right for you and wanting to end up with them in life.
I am also very partial to "glitter in the air" by Pink. This song really gives me goosebumps, and I find its message almost falls between the two extremes of the songs above. My balance, so to speak, but I often overlook songs on the radio because they are SO overplayed and I get annoyed with them.

P.S. I love flirting. I could live like this for a looooong time.

Samantha Philosophy

2010-09-11T10:53:00.004-04:00

I have decided that the character Samantha Jones is my relationship guru...so to speak.

Her quote, "Good guys screw you, Bad guys screw you and the rest don't know how to screw you" has been playing in my mind a lot lately, mostly because I find that when I'm in a relationship I can't make/keep that connection that I desperately need in order to devote myself to another person, or if I'm interested in someone there ends up being some stipulation that immediately sets up roadblocks in my mind and I can't go farther than flirtation.

Even this gets me into trouble, however, since apparently all men think that if you flirt with them it means you want to give up your life and have their babies.

Maybe it's because I'm so new to this whole 'being single' thing, but I'm finding it hard to maneuver the world of dating and casual flirtation. I know everything is about balance, but I need practice to find that balance, and so far I was way off kilter. Apparently I'm too much of a complete package to just be a girl someone can flirt with...hmmm. Without sounding like a complete hussy, how do I manage to find that place where I don't have to run for the hills after hinting that I find someone attractive? I feel like being in such a small community is not helping, where everyone and their mom (literally!) know when I'm single and thus the feeding frenzy begins. I feel like I should wear an engagement ring just to put up a signal (my own Bat signal, so to speak) to others that I'm only interested in you if I approach you. along those lines, I feel like I need some sort of document to hand out to my prospects after the initial flirtation and before hanging out. Something along the lines of:

I (Erin l. White) do not now, nor do I in the foreseeable future, want to partake in a relationship beyond anything consisting of harmless flirtation, mediocre flirtation, or hard-core flirtation. I will let you know if you are able to proceed past these lines and going out together on a date is acceptable. This DOES NOT mean that we are "dating" however. If you insist on paying for dinner, I will not decline this offer, but this is not a down-payment for any behavior on my part. Do not expect me to "repay" the dinner in another fashion (you know what I mean). Along those line, in the event that we hang out at either home location, we are not "in a relationship". In the event that you begin to feel like you would want to date me, please make this known as soon as possible. This could result in the immediate termination of our relationship. If you do not tell me of your brewing feelings, I cannot be held responsible for stomping on your heart when I cut things off. Think of this as a casualty of war. Love is a battlefield, baby. In the event that our relationship becomes physical, you are not to assume that we are,
1. exclusive
2. in a relationship
3. MFEO (meant for each other)
4. in love
5. in the process of changing my mindset
6. making babies
7. going to meet the parents next week
In the words of the two smart gentlemen from Flight of the Conchords, "A kiss is not a contract, but it's very nice".
The above language does not mean that I will not discuss the idea of having a relationship with someone I deem worth the effort. I do not hold issue with discussing my views on relationships and love, but do not guarantee that I will be especially warm and fuzzy. I will, however, respect your views on the topics, and allow a safe space for us to have an engaged discussion. I reserve the right to terminate our relationship at any point past the initial glance, word, and touch.

This document is a work in progress, and can be modified at any point without consent from the parties involved.

I am a naturally flirtatious and engaging person, so I find it hard that others do not understand someone can be flirtatious without full intent on dating that person. Are we all really so needy of love and belonging to a pair that we jump on someone the moment we feel attention from them? How totally and completely lame is that? No wonder half of the marriages in the western world end in divorce...I'm sure a good number of the rest are trapped in unhappy marriages, leaving only a few who are truly satisfied in life and love, and know in their hearts they are with their soulmate.
Well, I am in no rush to give away my heart. I will wait until I am old and living with 40 cats before I marry for convenience or self-consolation.

I'll end with another of my top favorite Samantha quotes that applies to me in relationships: "Yes, I love you. But I love me more."

single lady

2010-08-23T17:28:00.003-04:00

Once again, I find myself single, and am not sure what to do with it.

I had been debating this decision for months, and finally decided that i had to get up the kahoonas to call off the relationship with Skylar or possibly face being unsatisfied in the relationship realm for the foreseeable future. The decision was not as hard after putting things into perspective. When I lose motivation with something as important as a relationship, that is a red light for me and I have to rethink where I am and where I want to be.

for some reason being in a relationship lately has made me feel confined and stifled. I get resentful and distant as a result, which is not fair to the other person or myself. I feel glad to know this about me, and think I would be better off on my own for a while, at least until I figure out what I want/need from someone else, if at all.

One thing is for sure, I'm not in a hurry to be with anyone else anytime soon, and I refuse to be pressured into dating someone who's been "waiting" for me to be single again (which seems to be a bad pattern I've fallen into).

Rule: No dating or committing myself to anyone for a wicked long time.

I need to pull a budget-friendly 'Eat, Pray, Love' and find myself while I'm not answering to my "other half". I need to see people, meet people and not be afraid to hurt someone else. When I'm with someone, I'm the most loyal person in the world, so much so that I close myself off to possible other roads in life. I need to explore more and feel the dirt on my feet.

This could be a fun time for me in so many ways, as well as a personal education on how I am on my own! I've been in relationships since I started college and I am EXHAUSTED with them. My heart needs a rest. Don't get me started on the whole social idea of needing to be in a relationship. Maybe I don't even want/need something exclusive. Maybe I need something I can count on, but is not always right at my door. Maybe I need variety and fun with a different venue than the typical one on one.

Hmmm... experiments are coming.
Just like Samantha Jones, I love people, but I love me more.

It's a Bittersweet Return:)

2010-08-19T08:22:00.009-04:00

I've been back on campus since August 1st, and ever since then I've had conflicting (but overall deeply passionate) feelings about being back on campus. I've spent a lot of time recently going through the halls where I've spent a lot of time in my undergrad and where some of my best and worst memories were made. I'm so lucky and excited to be placed back in the Gannett/Cumberland Quad, where I did both my first and my last year as an RA!

While I was in Cumberland my first year as an RA, it was still known as "the ghetto" and was one of (if not the most) challenging place for an RA to work, especially a new RA. My staff was mostly older returners who felt that they ran the place, and had formed a pretty tight clique with one another-not offering to be helpful or friendly towards me or the other new RA's in the least bit. I immediately got a bad taste in my mouth for my staff, but knew I wanted to be a part of ResLife and so I did the best I could. The Department was lacking in terms of that warm fuzzy feeling we have today, and I was more or less thrown onto the worst floor imaginable and told to keep it under control. I had the majority of the girl's volleyball team on my floor, and they were determined to defy me. I spent the entire year struggling with girls who had absolutely no respect for an RA or ResLife in general, and a staff and department that was so completely unorganized it did not know how to convey to us how to deal with this type of situation. Along with that, my staff was divided (newbies and the returners), so I felt marginalized by both groups I was supposed to be creating community with! Midway through the year, the returning staff and one of the newbies pulled some pranks that were essentially unforgivable against another new RA, and they were cut-away from the Department quicker than you can say Marie Antoinette. New hires were quickly brought in to fill the gaps, and we were once again given the task of trying to create a cohesive staff. I had no idea that that this would result in some of my dearest friends:) This was the closest staff of the three years I was an RA, most likely because of the torment we went through at the beginning of the year, and to this day they are some of my dearest friends, even with time and space between us. This was also where I first met Mike, when our RD ha to leave suddenly, and his RD had to take on our staff as supervisor.

My second year, I was placed in Oak Hall (known then as the "RA retirement" hall, since it was all singles of upper-class (mainly senior) students. It was harder than anyone let on, getting residents to come to programs and listen to/respect RA's. My staff was wonderful (all three of us!) and I had a lot of fun doing things together and getting to meet the needs of these older, apathetic residents. I made some good friends with the residents, since they were more my style of people, and more my age.

My third year, I was in the newly created First Year Residential Experience, which was the most exciting place I could have been in my last year as an RA. I was told by my supervisor that he felt I was completely capable in caring for my residents and pulling my weight on the staff. This was probably the best supervisory experience I'd had up to this point. This staff had it's problems throughout the year, but my supervisor knew how to handle a staff in any situation, and I grew to greatly admire him and his no-nonsense style. This was also the year the new Residence Life Director gave the Department a "facelift", so to speak. The old positions were wiped and new ones put in place to assure the best possible experience for students, RA's, everyone else effected by ResLife. I was a fan of the changes, knowing how chaotic and disorganized things were up till then. Many people, though, thoroughly took offense to the changes and quickly walked away. This allowed for a new population of RA's to come in a liven up the position, which we needed so bad!

I'm back in ResLife as a supervisor now, and am loving the changes that comes with it. I love the staff we have together, and my RA's and upperstaff in-area are amazing. I'm using a lot of ResLife jargon, but it feels amazing to be able to converse with people in my language:)

Filling my bucket so much with this new change! (another "in" bit of jargon;)

Week Two of ACC Training

2010-08-10T06:52:00.004-04:00

I've been having the time of my life, and this time around I actually feel like I'm a part of a group instead of watching my "peers" take over the position. The staff this year is amazing, and we can't do anything without laughing. The RA's arrive at the end of the week, and we're busy until then with getting "RA College" ready and our halls welcoming for them. I've been given some extra duties as an ACC since I'm technically a second year, and am excited to do them through the year! I'm opting out of advising the CGB, since last year was a massive year-long debacle, but I am in charge of our complex desk operations (which means I get to put my OCDness to good use and make sure the offices remain clean and organized). I have a list of things I'll be doing, but it's somewhere in my massive pile of handouts etc.
I still have a few financial things to take care of: my student loan, car and health insurance, buying books and more. But I feel like I'm on top of things and am just so very excited to get started!

love love love being back:)

I'm Back, Baby!

2010-08-02T07:50:00.005-04:00

ResLife training begins today at 9am (roughly an hour from now) and I am mixed up like a martini with jitters and pure excitement to be back!

I was smiling like a fool the whole couple days I've been unpacking and taking the occasional walk around campus, remembering things I've done here since I first wandered onto it in high school for UB. I've done a lot of maturing since then, and feel like twenty times the person in both experiences and wisdom about life (as well as a fruit basket of other areas in a person's life).

I'm so excited to get back into the swing of things, be a professional, have a busy schedule, be around people who make me laugh and think, learn things, teach things, and simply start living again where I've always felt most at home. It really is 'The College of Our Hearts Always'-like a first love. I'm looking forward to working with the first years again, this time as a supervisor and not RA. Maida and Mike are awesome, and I cannot wait to start our year! Maida has a three year-old son (Luis) who I am looking forward to spending time with, and possibly introducing to Littleman! I would love more than anything to have Sebastian come have sleepovers here; giving Nathalie and Mike a break and me some time to indulge in one of my favorite things in the world:) I will have to let her know.

I am 100% committed to doing well in classes and in my job, as this year I will not allow other things in my life to get in the way of my success. I realized over my year off that I need to set stricter priorities, which is something I thought I had in place with being on Dean's list all the time in my undergraduate days, but things got a little messy two years ago and quickly spun out of control-taking me with them. I know now that I am a career woman, over most anything else in my life. I know that it is a constant struggle to make it in life, but I am determined to go all the way to the top and be a success (both in our society's definition, and in my own).

I just listened to The Stein Song, and then Oh, What a Beautiful Morning came on right after on random:) Good Morning, and here's to a great year!

p.s. car is the next thing on the agenda, as soon as I pay my student loan bill, get my new student loan, and find a personal loan ...sheesh. Money sucks, but I want it so bad.

moving grumbles

2010-07-30T11:27:00.003-04:00

UGH.

I have been up and ready to go since Skylat left at 6:30 this morning. All of my possessions are strewn in the front of the apartment ready to be loaded into the UHAUL, which Mom is driving here. We had agreed on her being here to get me at 9am, and of course she had to call up and tell me some dramatic story about why she couldn't help me lift things, and I should call someone for extra help. After insisting that I can lift my own things, she left about 45 mins late to get the truck. (Why even bother making plans?)

Of course the UHAUL place had issues with its computer system, i.e. the morons didn't know how to use their own system. I apparently was given a different confirmation number than they had, and the rednecks had to move two dead cars to bring the truck out for Mom, all of which has caused it to be 11:30 now, and Mom is still not here!

I told these people I would have their truck back by 5pm when they close, but if I cannot get my stuff to Orono and back within that timeframe-not my fault. Also, I have budgeted exactly $100 for this trip, and have a sneaky suspicion they will try to tack on extra fees and other costs when Mom goes to return the truck. I told Mom to tell them that I am giving them all the money I have right now, and so if they feel compelled to charge me for random shit, I cannot pay. Sorry.

I cannot wait to be on campus where there are PEOPLE and THINGS TO DO and PLACES I CAN WALK TO and GO RUNNING...among many other things.

C'mon Mom and UHAUL! It's GO TIME already.

worries, worries, worries

2010-07-29T09:32:00.003-04:00

Argh! Too many things to endlessly worry over these days (counting down to going back to school) that I'm going nuts and not sleeping!

The apartment is in shambles because I've been packing for three days (on top of what is the usual mess, and layers of cat hair on everything). The feng shui is all messed up, and my mind won't turn off.

Leela is sick, and the vet has been less than helpful in diagnosing her with anything. I'm worried something might happen while I'm in Orono and won't get to see her for one last time.

I've got passed-due payments on my student loans-apparently they didn't get the memo that I'm going back to school. I notified them way back when, but I guess telling them over the phone doesn't count. I feel like a moron, but that's what they want. Meanies.

I am still working on getting a car, but have to find a small loan and an insurance company I can afford. Too but I can't really compare costs until I get a car! This whole car deal is too much red tape-holy crap on a cracker.

I'm not too nervous about going back to school, but I am about the politics of dealing with people associated with my lovely ex. I feel like the campus has gotten very small from what I recall, and everyone knows my business. Not to mention, who knows what lies have been spread since I've been gone.

Taking a year off has been very educational for me-I only hope I can manage getting back into the swing of things. And by 'swing' I mean chaos that is my life on campus. I love it and miss it, but I know it's going to kick my butt. Expect tirades to be written in the future. At least I'm starting fresh with people in the higher ed program and ACC's! That's so exciting! Lots of whom I was RA's with-sweet!

I guess I always go through this hectic, anxious time before a schoolyear begins, and pretty much during the first month of school, I just always forget and think 'this time I'll be on top of everything!'. Too bad you can't do that when you rely on other people.

lots to come and lots more to worry about.

"perpetuation of the species"

2010-07-15T11:13:00.005-04:00

Why do religious people always say that marriage is "necessary" for the perpetuation of human beings as a species?

I know they have a rule that children born out of wedlock are born in sin, but people of the very deepest religious convictions have been having babies out of wedlock for centuries, as well as having unwed sexual relations, leaving the human beings as a species doing just fine in terms of populating the planet. Albeit, people do tend to look the other way when those in power perform these "appalling behaviors"-which leads me to believe that power allows people to contradict religious sanctions willy nilly (such as one man and one woman being faithful to each other as long as they both shall live). People in power were also notorious for overlooking these harsh words against same-sex romances, often themselves taking in someone from their entourage as a lover while still giving the illusion of being heterosexual with a public marriage to someone of the opposite sex. Does this mean that homosexuality is allowed when you have power, but never in lesser classes (plebeians)? Can a sexual orientation exist purely in terms of class and social hierarchy? There are similar parallels today with those in power across the globe. I wonder what this means for the gay community in the future-everyone will be accepted as they are! On the condition that they are rich beyond our wildest dreams and have a front that they are still heterosexual. How peachy.

So, with these musings and informal conclusions, I can safely say that all people living today are direct descendants of those in power: since having babies out of wedlock is a sin, having sexual relations out of marriage is a sin, and being openly gay is a sin. Given the evidence, only those with power have been allowed to overlook these social and religious mores, SO those people living today must be those ancestors of the people in power hundreds of years ago, otherwise we would not have been able to "perpetuate the species" like we have. Any god would not have allowed it, supposedly.

I rest my case. Our world is populated by either an absurdly large number or people with power, leading us to self-destruct like we have been, OR we're all living in sin, and have been, for hundreds of years.

OR (and this is more in line with my kind of thinking), There is no one sitting above us judging us for our actions and sexual orientation, because we do a pretty darned good job of this ourselves. We invent religious and social behaviors to keep others in line with what we feel is appropriate. What a concept.

E.A.A.S. (excessive acronym and abbreviation syndrome)

2010-07-09T13:47:00.007-04:00

I have noticed a syndrome occurring in our culture over the last dozen years or so, and steadily becoming worse very recently (since I've been an undergrad in college). People are using excessive abbreviation and making up acronyms of words and phrases that hardly call for such grammatically incorrect and lazy behavior. I personally diagnose these people (and our culture at large) with E.A.A.S., or Excessive Acronym and Abbreviation Syndrome. Yes, I see the irony in my own acronym creation...I'm still working on an unnecessary abbreviation for the syndrome.

The trend first started way back when AIM became all the rage, and people created new phrases (LOL, ROTFL, BRB, G2G, OMG, TTYL...) to speak to other people in a hurried manner, while still getting their point across. As confusing as these phrases started off, today they are standard "talk" between people of a certain age and under. It's become so ingrained in our minds that kids these days take them for granted as ways to talk, even in the company of live people! Think of the sassy little girl in Sleepless in Seattle who only spoke in what seemed like religious tongues, and this is a perfect representation of what we are breeding into the children of today (forget anything of use, this is their academic of choice).

Along with chatting online, online gaming has hit the roof as of late, with the improvements of live play and character development being purely genius. People now have social circles that exist only within their MMORPG (massively multi-player online role-playing game) such as World of Warcraft, Aion, and Guild Wars-none of which are compatible with Macs as of now. I personally find it disturbing that players of these games let them take over their lives, to the extent that there is nothing they yearn to experience in reality anymore, and they actually become addicted to playing the game. I know people who set their schedule around playing these games, go for days without showering, routinely wear wrist braces because so much play-time causes carpal tunnel syndrome, and even ruin relationships because of so much play time (not to worry, the new trend is to get married as your game characters online!). With this gaming culture, other terms and acronyms have hit the culture, and been integrated into our everyday speech: FTW (for the win), "nube" (an inexperienced or new person to the scene), among others I have yet to learn. These terms have been seen in a rash on other online forums with either expected mutual understanding or pure show-offness and haughty arrogance to those of us who speak human.

Today, AIM seems somewhat obsolete as Facebook features a chat function, and most of the world is now addicted to this social site (soon to be replacing meth as the nation's drug of choice). And yet, the shortening of words, and creation of phrases to describe one's emotions and reactions to things has gotten exponentially worse. This also has to do with the fact that there is a new wave of "geek" sweeping through our culture, which makes it cool to be nerdy, geeky, dorky, and anything to do with the image of the cast of Revenge of the Nerds. As Sheldon Cooper alluded to in an episode of the geektastic hit show The Big Bang Theory, this is the day and age of the intellect, and men who are dumb and pretty are no longer the top dog. People are judged by their ability to navigate technology, and (even better) to create and improve on it. For the first time in decades, mean are seem as "sexy" and "desirable" if they wear comic heroes tee-shirts and can effortlessly write html code on their ipad for their personal websites.

These days, people are communicating in ways that confuse someone even remotely out of the loop (like me) with their endless acronyms, confusing abbreviations of words not needing it (I recently started seeing people write "'grats", meaning "congratulations", rather than the standard shortening of "congrats", used primarily because people cannot spell the full word). I get texts and instant messages from people using a bastard concoction of gaming jargon, AIM "emoticons" and acronyms, and pop culture words and phrases (i.e. taken from hit shows such as "gleek" from Glee, meaning a geek for Glee), and spend five times more time trying to comprehend the five word message I've just received than I would if they just used plain, simple English. Granted, people have tired thumbs these days what with all the texting going on, and need to conserve energy, but they are going to end up spending even more time translating their "words" to me in this fashion, so I figure it is worth the extra five or six letters from square one. I find it utterly ridiculous when I have to look up online what an acronym someone has sent me means-which has happened to me more than I care to say.

At this point I am pretty fixed in my ways, and will not become a part of this E.A.A.S. counter-culture within my lifetime, but I will surely continue to struggle understanding their words and phrases as we interact. I foresee this being a big part of working and living on a college campus, which might actually help me learn the language. I cannot say that I do not take a little guilty pleasure in occasionally peppering my speech and type with certain phrases, pop-cultural references, and acronyms, but it is by no means my primary speech pattern. I love words, and intend to use them, if only to save a dying art.

Post-script, I am known to occasionally make use of non-words (words not officially part of the English dictionary and language) in my writings, and might occasionally use the more popular abbreviations and acronyms when talking to people online (NEVER in person) but I by no means make use of either as my primary language. I suppose you might call it a well-balanced effort to stay current as well as practiced in the English language.

Loneliness can be conquered only by those who can bear solitude. -Paul Tillich

2010-07-08T15:45:00.004-04:00

There is a very fine line between being alone, and being lonely.

Sometimes one turns into the other faster than you can handle it, and sometimes the two politely remain separated, allowing you to catch up on your thinking and personal hobbies. But they tend to keep near each other, like a preying cat, lonely lurking waiting to attack. And there is little alone can do once this has happened, as the human mind has been trained to want, no, crave and need human interaction every day. When this need goes unfulfilled we go into shut-down mode and lonely eats you up inside, like a fire on kindle. Alone can only sit back and watch as you try to fight this feeling of gnawing inside, its dark-sided brother gleeful at the win. The human mind and body is now a host for these ferocious feelings, that after centuries of feeling have yet to be tamed by the poor sentient. We tend to mock those humans who are out of touch with their feelings, or even make up other worlds of cultures where the inhabitants have no feelings, but the truth is, we really desire to have such ability. To not feel certain pains and tears from the inside, and still unable to thwart it away-even when we stand on the edge of humanity with visions of technology only dreamed of merely five years ago.

Humans originated in small clans, only becoming communities relatively recently when people started claiming land. And now, ironically, at the peak of these communities, we find ourselves more alone and lonely than the very first caveman. This has gone beyond the heart and soul of a "community", and created a land of anonymous, apathetic, nobodies whose tunnel-vision on their own lives obliterates any sense of somebodies around them. People are afraid of each other, they are wary of strangers (and even friends and relatives), selfishness is mistaken for independence and we are okay with it. "it's a big, bad world" we console ourselves are we tell our children not to talk to anyone they don't know. How will we ever know anyone if they're all wolves in our eyes? How can we hope for change if we breed fear into the next generations, and thus prejudice? I'm not one to say much, as I too have fears of the unknown, but we need to take our chances and push ourselves into the unfamiliar. Someone once told me that we need to go where we are scared and uncomfortable, because it is when we are uncomfortable that we grow. Nothing good comes from staying in your comfort zone all your life, and it took me way too long to realize this for myself when it should have been said to me my entire life.

Lonely and Alone are very different, but they can quickly become one or the other when we don't have the tools to fight them.

oh! The places I (might possibly with certain circumstances) go!

2010-07-07T21:14:00.003-04:00

I want to go places. Some of these places have people I really want to visit, but some are solely to fulfill a personal wish to go there on my own.
Since I graduated from college with my undergraduate degree, more and more of my friends have been moving on with their lives, which unfortunately tend to move them away from Orono and me. I'm staying in Orono to attend grad school and to hopefully find a place to work (in my field) for at least two more years, so that leaves me with one option: road trip!

I want to use the little car I intend to get this summer and make long-awaited house calls to some of my favorite people in the world, and hopefully have the time and resources to go someplace special just for me.

Places on the journey will most likely include:
1. Massachusetts
2. New Hampshire
3. Pennsylvania
4. Virginia
5. New Jersey
6. (hopefully) Montana
7. California
8. some other places in Maine on my way out where I know people
These are places where either people who are near and dear to my heart (thus, making it worth the drive) live, or where my heart seems to keep dragging me towards (hence, the random inclusion of Montana). I might make it a cross-country thing, or a West coast/East coast focus thing, depending on time and resources. I might need another year to save up for the gas and lodging alone. Hopefully out West I'll fine some handsome cowboy who can wrangle me up some grub and sing songs to me around a campfire.

I want to avoid cities as much as possible, but also get to know people along the way. of course, being the scrapbooking/documenting person I am, I will photograph and record on video most everything along the way. Maybe I'll get fancy and turn it into a documentary a la Youtube. Classy.

Maybe somewhere along the way I'll find a dog and we'll be friends for the duration of the trip.

I'm sure just going solo on a road trip will do me loads of good, since I tend to get antsy and irritated with people when I travel with others. This way, I won't have to worry about someone else and their needs, but just focus on my own and take my time-do what I want. This seems to be a trend in my life overall, which is why I'm not mothering anytime soon, but that's another story.

Here's to road-tripping!

If You Wanna Serenade Me...

2010-07-06T02:47:00.004-04:00

This is adorable, and happens to be my absolute favorite song from the classic musical Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. I first saw this movie when I was a kid and stayed up past my bedtime happening to catch it on PBS. I was immediately pulled in by the bright hues of Technicolor, the typically sing-songy music numbers, and the beauty that is Jane Powell-pristine hair and makeup even in the mountains and surrounded by 7 lumberjacks.
This plays into my fantasy of living in the mountains and/or on a ranch in Montana (hopefully with Howard Keel at my side).

where are my sheep?

2010-06-24T00:26:00.004-04:00

insomnia is one of my best friends now.

...that is, if by "best friend" I mean knows me well, keeps me up late night after night, and doesn't seem to have any regard for my fatigue the following morning/day. So really, insomnia is my bitchy fake friend, who mooches energy and time from me and then leaves me in the wee hours of the morning, leaving no apologies or even a fresh pot of coffee. I've tried everything from kava kava, to downing a shot right before bed, and am now considering prescriptions (or free samples of) Lunesta...man, those commercials make me want to curl up and sleep the best sleep I've ever slept when I see it. But then, I know it will find me again. In its little black dress and ruby red lipstick-all ready for a night on the town when all I want to do is chase stars as they charge like a bat out of hell to the moon. I'll probably end up the DD for another night with my "friend".

I'm having a torrid affair with Insomnia.

I do (!?...)

2010-06-20T23:05:00.005-04:00

As I take part in my daily ritual of looking through my Facebook news feed, one thing becomes immediately evident: my peers are getting married in an exponential way.

I suppose I am at that point in my life where I should be thinking of this next big step, then would come (in no particular order): children, a home, joint bank accounts, a mortgage on the home, a manicured lawn, the Sunday paper, neighborhood block parties, parent/teacher conferences, and my husband's mid-life crisis roadster. I don't blame my peers for wanting to dive head-first into this domestic bliss, but, like a street walker on the Vegas strip, I feel like I can put a few more (years) under me before I call it a night.

I have been feeling the push towards that chapel. Not that I would be in a place of God for my own wedding ceremony, as this might come off as "poser" and hypocritical for me. Mine would definitely be in a place of chosen personal paths, where no one would be made to feel awkward by their religious or spiritual convictions, but only for their relation to the family. What's a good wedding without a little family drama? But yes, I have had people tell me I "should" be planning my wedding day, "ought to" be on the lookout for that "perfect" person, or my all time favorite, might "need" someone to rely on for when I have kids and give up work.

I'm no gung-ho feminist, but a little progression and even some faith in me as an individually-driven person might be in order here.

Since when did getting married mean you have to lose your entire sense of self? Oh, wait, since it was invented. These days, I'm equally torn on my thoughts on marriage. I want to dress up in the gown, everyone focused on me, with a big ol' rock on my finger and drive off into the sunset the better half of a dynamic duo. But then, there is the other half of me who sees the monotonous daily, weekly, monthly, yearly "events" occurring after this one day of celebration, and I cringe. Everything will become about money, kids, family vacation, splitting the holidays between the two families, trying to get the two families together for just one holiday, more kids, school, babies, stress, car troubles, mortgages...and this links into my list above. How can I be expected to drop all I have going on in my life now for a life of routine and self-denial?

A long time ago, I made a promise to myself that above all else, I would put myself and my own happiness first. This came at a hard time in my life, when I seemed to be slipping through whatever life consists of, and felt like no one could help me but myself. Since then, my new view on life has guided me through some pretty rough times, and (though some decisions have been very difficult) I have come out stronger and wiser on the other end. I feel that bending to peer pressure in the area of marriage would go against this promise, as would having children. At this point in my life, I am happy putting myself first, and essentially the career-driven woman conservative America wants to "save" and bring back to the kitchen. Not that I don't mind playing Martha Stewart (pre-prison) now and a again, but she is my hobby, not my life.

I guess what I really want to say is, I'm in no rush to either get married or have children at this point in my life, as they are both HUGE life changing decisions that I cannot and will not take lightly. For God's sake, I took five years to decide on my first tattoo! And another month to decide where exactly on my foot it should go. Thirty is no longer a dirty word when it comes to settling down with someone and having kids, and I am one of many grateful people for this change in our culture. Everyone will thank me when I get there, as I will be able to put my own needs aside and focus on those of my family-whereas now I would rather buy myself some new shoes and might resent baby for needing new diapers.

I will say congratulations to all my peers for their dedication to the time-sometimes-honored tradition of marriage and childbearing. I do enjoy looking at photos of the ceremonies and being able to say "I will NEVER have that at my wedding". A thought I had at the last "WEDDING!!!!!" album I glanced through was that maybe getting married is becoming too common a thing these days. Everyone is doing it, and then half of them are not thinking twice about un-doing it (depending on your source of statistics). Celebrities make a mockery of the tradition, using it more for publicity than an undying bond between two people. Even the very Church where we (people) go to become these bonded couples is itself a mockery of decency. What we need is some new idea for the people of the world, some new symbolic ritual like a wedding where two can join themselves and maybe steer clear of both the mockery and the hard-core lifetime commitment.

In the old days, marriage was realistic in being "'Till death do us part" as people had shorter life-spans, and childbirth was always a risk on the mother's part. These days however, we live to beyond what our ancestors could have ever imagined with the new innovations in medicine and technology. Perhaps being monogamous is no longer needed as a people (not that we've ever really been that good at it). Perhaps we should take a while to think if we need to stay loyal to one person for the rest of our lives. Does this really make things easier or happier? For some it might, for others this might seem like a nightmare. Whatever happens, we need to take a good hard look at ourselves and ask why we're all rushing to the alter and into nurseries before we have even had the chance to life half of our lives?

Our hearts are in the right place, but sometimes life is more than the butterflies.

clutter monster

2010-06-17T12:25:00.004-04:00

it just never ends...

I feel like all I do in my spare time is clean and reorganize what I just finished cleaning and reorganizing the day before! If it's not the dishes piling up, it's the floor needing to be vacuumed, or the bathroom needing to be sponged down, or clothing laying around needing to be picked up and sniffed to see if it's clean or dirty.

I know I have a problem with clutter, and I know it's probably something psychological and this is my way of dealing with it, but I also don't feel it's too much to ask to have a clean and tidy living environment. Every time I find that there is new clutter accumulating in my living environment, I have to brace myself for a full-on frontal attack. I get out the vacuum, since inevitably there will be dust bunnies hiding underneath and behind it, I grab the cleaning sprays (no better feeling than finishing a good clean with the smell of disinfectant), and I tie my hair up in a "I mean business" kind of disarray style. All I need now is a good apron to finish the job.

I'm sure the main reason I cannot stand to be around clutter of any form is that the very definition of the word and behavior means disarray, disorganization, confusion, chaos, interference, obstruction, disorderly and such. Take your pick, I am uncomfortable with any of these situations, and strive to be the complete opposite in my own life-to the point of being a stick in the mud, compulsive organizer and planner.

I never leave home without my planner, I always know what's happening in my day (and glance over my daily schedule multiple times throughout the day), I have to check my planner before making plans with anyone, my work space is always tidy and I clean it up after a day's work, and my living space is cleaned about once a day to keep on top of things. I could be "anal" to some people, but to me this is how I keep my life organized after living in such a chaotic and unpredictable household when I was a kid/teen. To this day, having an unruly household throws anxiety at me full force, and I have to somehow get it under control, whether that means cleaning it, reorganizing, or laying down some ground rules.

At least I know I'm a stickler in this area, where some people might be completely oblivious to their weird habits. I actually like mine, as it means a tidy home to welcome guests at any time, and not have to rush home to make it presentable. It means I don't have to work myself mentally to take on a month of grime when the mess finally gets to be too much. It also means I know where everything is, and don't have to play back my day/week/month/year mentally to find something in particular. Also, no ants, mice, cockroaches.

I kind of like that I move every so often throughout the year, as this gives me a chance to go through my stuff and really decide if I need/want it or not. Every year at the end of the school year I throw out enough stuff to furnish another apartment, and this keeps me in check as far as materialism. I keep the special things: cards, pictures, sentimental anythings, but anything causing clutter or still without a use is gone. I even want to decorate my apartment in the fall in simplistic and clean way. This would be different from my usual eclectic and hodge podge way of decorating where I tend to find a place for everything I own in a "homey" way, resulting in a lot of knick knacks everywhere and things on the walls like a larger-than-life collage. This time around, I'm going to stick with "less is more" and use inspiration from magazines and such to get it to look "clean" and orderly. Unfortunately, my palette is a residence hall apartment built in the 1960's, but I can make it work. I don't watch TLC for nothing!

p.s. when you say or look at the word "clutter" enough, it starts to sound/look like babble

we be rollin'

2010-06-16T22:58:00.004-04:00

I got my license today...25 years in the making!

I've been elated ever since the examiner (coolest dude ever, btw-I'll be going to school with his daughter in the fall) told me he approved of my driving skills and was sure I'd be great on the road (!!!!!!!). I thought at one point I had backed into someone's bumper during my parallel parking, but it turned out to be the curb (holy phew). I was so nervous, but we were talking and chatting about stuff for so much of the drive I managed to stay calm. He even made me take deep breathes after the backing up and parallel parking to compose and such...see? Coolest guy ever. And all this from a retired Marine?

I almost hit a squirrel during the test, and managed to stay calm (my brain wanted to slam on the brakes).

It still hasn't sunk in all the way, I can tell, but give it time. I don't mind feeling this good about myself for a while longer. Nope, not at all.

I can now get things rolling (pun) on getting my car for school! I still want a Yaris or Fit, one of the "budget" cars I love. Mileage and being small are what I want (that's what...she said?).

Oh, and a good sound system.

Sooooooooooo excited.

raining on ant hills

2010-06-13T17:05:00.003-04:00

Why are people outraged by so many things? There are some things I can see becoming angry, outraged, and morally offended by, such as genocide, infanticide (basically any kind of "-cide"), rape, torture, and mostly anything that reduces you to a level below humane and decent. There are basic human needs and rights that we as a race have no right or reason to deny others.

But then there are things that I cannot (with any stretch of the imagination) understand why people deem them "outrageous". Urinating in public is one. Maybe I shouldn't say "in public" as this gives the impression of popping a squat on the sidewalk. I'm talking about discreetly perching behind a rock during a hike, or in my case, crouching in the woods while on an all-day work-site without bathroom access.

Why are we so offended at the act of relieving ourselves (however discreetly) in a place other than a culturally accepted form of bathroom? There are even clashes between "civilized" cultures in Western society, as some Europeans may use troughs, holes in floors, building sides, natural water sources and such. It can be argued that it's more "natural" to urinate in nature than to hover over a plastic bucket, careful not to make contact for fear of catching a disease (from other humans! Not from nature itself). Not to mention, the smell is enormously better, even if my spot of choice lay beside a cow farm. At least in that case I would have pleasant company, and not the awkward eye-aversion, pretending the smell came from someone else, and fake smiling that goes along with public restrooms.

Yet the fact remains that when I tell people I commonly use the woods as my chosen urination location, they respond with either a look of horror or pity. As if some insect might leap up and relieve me of my womanhood; as if I am so destitute that I am forced to bare myself to the elements so I might not wet myself in despair. Why do people respond like this? I feel much safer actually seeing where I've chosen to "water the lawn" as opposed to having it sucked down pipes or land on a pile of previous users' bodily functions as in the case of an outhouse. I don't have to worry about the disease-ridden surfaces in the woods, and only hover to avoid bugs and pointy leaves and twigs. I have even been victim to perching directly over a red ant hill and not realizing my newbie mistake until I was mid-stream, and I still feel no qualms about hovering in the horticulture.

I must mention, however, that I am not comfortable with anything beyond urination in the woods. Anything else would simply expose me to leering passersby for too long, and then there is the problem of burying the evidence. At least pee has the decency to disappear and leave you only to hide the wiping tool (which is biodegradable). I'm not saying I'm opposed to this form of relief, but I myself am not comfortable with it. I also have a granny bladder and need to water the daisies more often than a yorkie-poo with diabetes.

this

2010-06-13T07:54:00.002-04:00

I found this cool site online when I was looking up the exact definition of "mish mash mosh"...(I guess "exact definition" makes my blog title an oxymoron?).

Then I had to go edumacate myself on how to insert a link, so I'm all sorts of productive this morning! Woke up at 4:30am, washed the dishes and counter and stove, cleaned the catbox, changed my blog background and header, and now finishing off the 8 cup pot of coffee (WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!).

Now I just need a picture that fits with this...

sunrises and coffee

2010-06-13T06:30:00.003-04:00

I've been up since 4:30am for some reason (not having gone to bed until around midnight last night) but feel that warm n' fuzzy feeling of "early morning-ness" that I love so much.

I have some pretty fond memories of waking up early, starting with going to work with Dad, then going to MUF, working Habitat for Humanity, being in Europe, and mostly working for ResLife. Since I am a huge sensory person, especially with smells and sounds, I link most of these happy times from my past into every beautiful, sunny, bird-chirping, dewy-grassed, bright-skied, vivid-colored morning, especially in the time periods of about sunrise to 8am, which is when the morning magic seems to run out, and it becomes another day.

This is the time when I have my alone time, to get myself up and ready for the day, to spend some quality time with myself and go over what I have on my schedule, to read my blogs, news, Facebook, and other web things, and even go through the paper. I sip my cups of coffee with creamer, savoring every hot gulp, and "topping it off" if it gets too luke-warm. This is when people are not allowed to bother me, as this time sets pace for the entire day, and if I go through my routine uninterrupted, it will be a good day. If not, I will probably freak out at some point or just be seethingly moody and grim until bed that night.

(this is why I crave the school year, since I will be able to fall back into this routine and be done with the ridiculous demands of Mom, which have thrown my entire feng shui out of whack since moving down here this season). Who woulda thought that I'd be reminiscing about my long, lonely days in Eastport just because there was that geographical barrier between us?

art of the body...and mind

2010-06-06T12:41:00.005-04:00

I have decided on my next tattoo...

to a certain point.

I want to have a tree, made up of words and quotes that have meaning to me in my life. It will look like a black tree's silhouette from far away, and when you get up close it's all words in the shape of the roots, the trunk, and the branches. I'm not sure if I want there to be leaves yet.

I figure this is a good way to make a tattoo very personal, without being too obvious about it (ie, names of people, pictures of people and other lame, cheesy, quarter-machine type ideas of permanent ink). This will also allow me to take my time in creating it, as the tree can "grow" over time as events occur in my life. I still have a rule about permanently adding someone's name onto my body: never never never. But my Shannon and Bonnie might make the cut-simply because they aren't people.

I haven't decided where to put it on my body yet, but the mid-back area seems to make the most sense. It will be less painful than if I put it on my ribcage (and also more visible to myself and others), and will have the most room in terms of growth over time. I have been weary about putting art on my back, since it seems so overdone, but there is only a finite area of space on the human body. As long as it's not on my lower back only (tramp stamp) or in a place that I won't be able to cover up in the workplace I feel the mid to full back would be perfect. It's also WHAT the tattoo is, rather than WHERE it is. If I got a giant rose with a name on it, I might need someone to slap me. This I feel is meaningful and not a "shotgun" tattoo. I would like to add a little whimsy to it, a la Tim Burton. I feel having swirls in it as the leaves might add this, and be easier to work with in making the swirls actual words/phrases.

I am in no rush to get it done, so will have time to decide on the exact tree type, shape, the words/quotes I want to use etc.

Hakuna Matata?

2010-06-03T21:49:00.000-04:00

In most cases stress is the root cause of death; illnesses are just the wrap up. -Yordan Yordanov

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. -Unkown

Stress is the physical and psychological effects we experience as a result of the way we react to changes in the surrounding environment -Pavel Stoyanov

Stress is the confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it-Unknown

Stress is poison-Agave Powers

Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness.-Richard Carlson

It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there's nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized.-Wayne Dyer

Many companies have long contended that stress in the home causes productivity loss in the market place.. and it does. But research now reveals that stress on the job causes stress at home. In other words, they feed off each other.-Zig Ziglar

Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency.-Natalie Goldberg

"Worry and stress affects the circulation, the heart, the glands, the whole nervous system, and profoundly affects heart action."-Charles Mayo

"A man who suffers or stresses before it is necessary, suffers more than is necessary."-Seneca

"For fast-acting relief, try slowing down."-Lily Tomlin

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."-Bertrand Russell

...you get the point.

bodybuilding trophy

2010-06-03T08:19:00.001-04:00

I made an account on bodybuilding.com to help motivate me to stick to my new routine.

I don't want to become veiny and bumpy like some of the women on there...let alone as orange as a crunchy cheeto, but I do love to browse the "before and after"s and get motivation from people who were the size of five of me, and see them now. I also like to look for women who are me exactly now, and see where I can go from here.

Summer Goals:
-tone
-tone
-tone
-eat "clean"
-stick to workout routine (in the face of landscaping...in your face!)
-buy a car
-play loud music in said car
-buy new clothes using said car for schoolyear
-laugh at summer and move on

sigh

2010-06-03T08:10:00.000-04:00

I have decided that working landscaping, with my mother, in the time left standing between my and returning to school is a bad idea.
I am wilingly setting myself up for stress, anger, buried resentment rearing its ugly head once again, and constant frustration in the battle of mom vs daughter...yet again. (the same goes for you, bugs and grime from the worksites).

I cannot wait until I can use my HARD EARNED money from the summer to buy my car, drive to the mall, and but a new wardrobe...or maybe I'll drive to Goodwill and save some $$$. Either way, I will be alone and blaring my music in the new shiny speakers as I zip around town.

I cannot wait to move into my new apartment on campus, decorate it, and live alone, answering only to details of academia and ResLife for the year. I cannot wait to declare I will be living there next summer, and begin looking for summer jobs/classes to pursue.

Watch out Jenny Craig, this is the new woman.

Catwoman, not cat woman.

2010-06-01T23:03:00.000-04:00

it might be the environment I grew up in.
Or it could be my background in sociology: where I would study groups of people and the situations they are in (intentionally or not).
It might be my current living situation, where I am mid-way between being an adult and a "youth" by many symptoms of the definition (dependent on Dad for paying some of my bills to survive, still getting summer jobs when school is out, still attending school, not in possession of a license or car...still. this last one especially renders me dependent on others).
It could also be this past year I took off to "heal" from non-stop schooling and relationships leading up to a pretty intense emotional failure in my first year of graduate school.
It could be all of these that cause me to look at life and be terrified. I am so very afraid of failure in life that sometimes it is all I can do not to breakdown and curl up in a corner somewhere...so deeply convinced that whatever I do in my own life will result in a failure. What this failure will be I have not concluded.
I had visions of me in 10, 15, 20 years, living without income, without a job, without transportation, without close friends and family, and without any hope for improvement. I fear becoming a shadow of my mother: working from year to year with no steady income, retirement plan, or any plans in general.

At this point in time, I am going back to school in the fall (August 1st marks my return to ResLife), I am working my butt off this summer doing landscaping to fund my first car (my driving test date is lost somewhere in the mail, but I will recover it), and I still have plans of becoming a University President...somewhat far-off plans I know, but they keep me comfortable when I think of them.

I don't want to end up like the folks back in Eastport...low income, no heat, relying on the kindness of the community to get by, and living in the Easternmost City in the USA as if that were enough to live off of. I loved being able to be a part of their community, but when I sit in the senior class in the high school and NONE of them have aspirations of going to college, let alone leaving the town! I get a chill down my spine for them and their lack of motivation or purpose.
I can't get the idea of me slipping through the cracks and becoming a crack addict living in a trailer with a dozen kids and myriads of cats wandering around my flicked cigarette butts, empties, and stained carpet where the dog who ran away peed.

I suppose my comfort also comes from knowing I do have drive and motivation. I am professional and quick-learning. I can schmooze with the right people and dress up nicely (also can get down and dirty with the "real people"). I am eclectic and creative, and though I don't know exactly what I'm gong to do with my life, I feel my passion will take me places. I will go far in life with my assets, but I can also plummet if I let my fears get the best of me.

Dont' be a "maybe".

I thought Bar Harbor was a rocking town? AKA days off blow holes

2010-05-23T16:31:00.000-04:00

I hate being bored.

I was supposed to work about 4 hours today in Surry, but then Mom had to go get all herself and pretty much messed up those plans. I sat around waiting for someone to figure out what was going on, and by the time she finally called it was about quitting time. I resent losing a perfectly good day off, and have been in a fowl mood since this morning. Not to mention the power went out at 5am this morning and woke me up when everything got silent. I got "up" and read, after cleaning out the cat box with a slotted spoon (go me), and then decided it wasn't worth staying up if I couldn't brew coffee. I fell into a half sleep with sketchy dreams until about 9 and the power came back on. Skylar's alarm clock reset itself to the correct time...weird.

I feel useless and without direction, and then to pass the time I start picking at myself and my "imperfections". Today was a fat day, my pores were too big, and my clothes refused to match in any cute fashion. At least my hair is still looking good after the new dye job. I feel brunette.

I've been moody and not even meaning to be. I think Skylar is sick of me acting all quiet and broody, but I'm doing my best. I was so excited to get out of Eastport and come where "things happen" but then all I have been doing is working and spending time alone with my computer. It feels just like Eastport but I have a job, and Skylar (sometimes) does the dishes. I'm mad at our vacuum too, it sucks. No pun intended.

At least the cats are here to play with and have company while I pee and shower.

I'm drinking my last two Bud 55's for something to do. Healthy.

new hair

2010-05-22T22:55:00.000-04:00

I just dyed my hair to a pretty dark brown, after being blonde for some time. I go through these cycles where I want to be blonde, brunette, long haired or short haired, depending on my mood. Sometimes my bangs length come into play as well-the latest debacle being my cutting my bangs too short and looking like a 7 year-old for about a month while I let them grow out.

I decided that I look older with darker hair-looking more like a high schooler with lighter hair. Since I'm returning to school and my professional lifestyle in the fall, I wanted to get a head-start on my mature look. I also like how a lot of clothes and colors look with darker hair, and feel a certain "sassyness" with the chocolate hue. This time, I opted for a semi-permanent, since I am making an effort to grow out my natural color-which will take some time since I've been permanently dying it since before high school. I've had dozens of people tell me they think I'm still in high school, as recently as last month! I am pretty sick of having to reassure people that I am in fact a graduate student. I feel that with a more mature looking hair color I can bring this about. If not, at least I can continue to surprise people.

Plus, I'm always up for a change! In Sex and the City the movie, Carrie went brunette when she felt she needed a change in her life, and I feel the same about hair dye: It changes your appearance, but also your whole demeanor. It changes how I feel about myself, how I project myself, and how others perceive me. I like keeping people guessing, and seeing how the different colors look on me. My hair is my favorite way to express myself, and is essentially an extension of my face, which is my palette on which I express myself with makeup. This may seem superficial and vain, but I should be allowed to have a little fun with what the gods have given me.

As usual, the dye came out darker on my hair than on the box, so I'm waiting for it to lighten up. I'm hoping it won't take as long to lighten up as it takes for the semi-permanent to wear off...

vegetarian diseases

2010-05-21T22:38:00.000-04:00

This summer cued the start of my pesco-vegetarianism (eating only fish as a source of meat, and otherwise sticking to vegetables, fruits, grains, and other "clean" foods), and it has been going very well, though not for lack of trying to sabotage it from the meat industry.

First of all, I never noticed how hard it really is to eat out while avoiding all the foods I do not eat: red meat, pork, poultry, and dairy. Not to mention fried foods, sugar and fat laden, and carb city foods. I was fortunate enough while dining at Quiznos to be able to substitute tuna fish on my salad instead of chicken (as hard as it was to give up the oriental grilled chicken I so love), but trying to buy soup with no meat in it is a feat even Houdini might fail at. I opted for oatmeal instead.

Secondly, I just read a story posted on the CNN news site about an outbreak of salmonella, originating in raw alfalfa sprouts on the market. This was the first time in almost ten years I can remember purposefully seeking out and purchasing alfalfa sprouts for my increased salad eating, and was horrified to think they might be the carrier of this dreaded illness. I checked the company name and distributing stores quickly, rushed to my crisper drawer and verified that mine were not in the recalled batches. Thank God. Unfortunately, though, this is not the first time there has been a salmonella outbreak and recall on VEGETABLES. This is something I did not think about when becoming a vegetarian: how I might get the same diseases spread through meat while faithfully and naively munching my greens. This both frightens and outrages me. How am I supposed to make any effort whatsoever in this increasingly unhealthy and unabashedly obese culture to improve my own eating and grocery purchasing habits if the foods I choose to indulge on might put me in the hospital?! The very same foods I am told to eat more of because they are the healthiest options. Those very same foods our ancestors grew, harvested, and ate and protected them from illness due to their high nutritional value are now posing a threat to us as the unassuming deliverer of a potentially deadly disease. Recalls these days are a dime a dozen, and we hear about them in food every day in the news. Even when people die from these outbreaks we are able to turn the other cheek, either because we are in denial that anything so awful could ever happen to us, or because the issue does not pertain to us. In this case, I may have overlooked the alfalfa sprouts being contaminated had I not chosen to buy some this week to perk up my salads, but now I am all ears. I'm now crossing my fingers that I don't hear those mushrooms I just had with dinner aren't next on the list.

sickness of the summer

2010-05-08T07:28:00.000-04:00

I am sick with one of the worst colds I've had in my memory...
I have pink eye, a sinus infection, rattling lungs, fatigue, and a pretty pessimistic view on life right now. On the upside, I've disinfected the apartment so much I could probably perform an impromptu surgery anywhere in the place and it would be completely sterile. If only I weren't afraid of blood.
This is the second cold/flu I've had in a month, and went for an entire year without getting sick before this! What changed? I thought that since I'd been working out daily and eating "clean" and healthy I would be less susceptible to the woes of respiratory infection and other common ailments...not the case when you decide to substitute teach in a public school system. Apparently public schools are huge disease carriers, and I am no match for the throbs of infection laying in wait, disguised as adorable preschoolers.
I always seem to get pink eye and other visible forms of sickness when I need to be socially active. Two years ago at this time I was an ACC for the first time on campus, and came down with pink eye during training. I was with people every hour of the day and night, except for the few hours I slept. Again, I was obsessed with keeping things squeaky clean, carrying around a bottle of hand disinfectant, and wore no to minimal makeup (making me feel undone and naked). I also had to wear my glasses, which make me look really tired, and give me headaches, since I'm not used to seeing rims above and below my view.

To make matters worse, Skylar and I had to move in the middle of my horrible, terrible, no good, very bad cold/flu from Eastport to Trenton (yay!), so I had barely any energy. I then got an abscess in my tooth where the filling had cracked and fallen out about a month before. Just like me, I procrastinated before going to get it fixed, and it got worse, so now I have a painful head, a swollen jawline, and an appointment to yank the tooth on Tuesday. Ugh. I am hoping I can have a better summer after this next week, since it's supposed to be my awesome summer of buying my car and transitioning back into school!

Man of the Forest...or of the zoo, depending on our actions in the very near future

2010-04-18T12:19:00.000-04:00

For a while now I've been very vocal about the destruction of rainforests and thus orangutan's habitat, and have been wondering how to become more involved in the cause against this atrocity. I have been using my own small impact thus far: boycotting products made with palm oil (the reason the rainforests are being destroyed, in order to harvest this oil), doing research into the efforts being made to save the orangutans, spreading the word to people I know about this and trying to get them to also spread the word and boycott the oil. The only problem now is, I feel like I need to be doing a lot more in order to make an actual impact on the horrific actions being made overseas. What more can I do? Brain dumping time...

1. write a book on the topic
2. make a campaign on my campus
3. spread the word to local and nationwide government
4. spread the word to the world government
5. keep doing what I'm doing: boycotting palm oil and educating people
6. educate people to the alternatives
7. donate money to an orangutan rehab center
8. host a viewing of "burn season" the documentary about the rainforest destruction
9. take classes on policy, and how I can use it to get the word out (PAA graduate classes!)
10. create my own blog on the topic and get people connected.
11. spread the word through media, such as NPR and other human interest venues.
12. make the effort to save these great apes more well-known in our culture

I think all of the above are very do-able, and I will start with this being my "to-do" list for the next few months to a year. Knowing that the great Man of the Forest only has a few years left before he is completely extinct from the wild, I will have to do my best to make the biggest impact in the shortest amount of time. That said, I will be actually doing more for this cause in the future, rather than just standing within my own personal bubble and thinking it makes any impact at all to those wonderful creatures overseas.

as a post-script, I found this story today and was so touched I had to share it with as many people I could. The fact that such intelligent creatures are being systematically exterminated without so much as a second look (and all to get cheaper oil to put into our mass-produced food) is such a monstrous slap in the face of any human who would call our race gentle and caring. Just because it is not of the human race does not mean this is not genocide.
http://www.huliq.com/7504/89428/top-photographer-facebook-orangutan

Summer...and things are lookin' good

2010-04-14T20:31:00.000-04:00

So far, this summer is shaping up to be a pretty fun, unusually stress-reduced time in my life. I usually resent the summer, and it's hot days, sweaty nights, and reckless behavior because I'm thrust out of my routine, without the normal go-to schedule I run on, and my days are more often than not chaotic and far from what I normally strive for during the academic year.
This summer, however, I am looking forward to some hard working, money-earning, BBQing, night-on-the-towning, days of summer, where I can really have that crazy summer I've always really heard about but never actually experienced. I will be working landscaping with my Mom (this has become the summer norm for me, though I've been really looking forward to it this year, really being without money lately, and without work for so long). My ultimate summer goal is to raise enough money to buy my FIRST car, but alongside this, I will be nesting in the new apartment with Skylar, spending some quality time with my family, having some unforgettable sister and nephew times! I will also be doing a lot more working out (P90X round 2!!), be working on my tan, be hiking a lot in preparation for Mount Katahdin.
There will also be a lot of people I actually know living in the area this summer as opposed to just hanging out with my family (as much as I love them, I need friends too). Also, Skylar and I will be watching Syd's kittens this summer since she will be living with Mom, and they have too many cats in that house as it is. It will be fun to have some animals around the house again, but I'm hoping the space is big enough in the apartment to allow for two indoor cats as well as a litter box.
I'm super excited!

update: school, summer, life

2010-04-08T13:03:00.000-04:00

Wow, I didn't realize it has been so long since I last wrote on here. I've been pretty focused on my second blog made for my P90X workout journey-which is now about 30 days in, and I've been pretty impressed with the results! Since my last post, I've pretty much given up running as my sole source of workout; I was not seeing the results I wanted, was not losing the weight I wanted, and even though I loved having that time alone on the road to myself and clear my mind, I was not making progress as well as I wanted. I had devoted almost half a year to running, and had little to show for it, leaving me to believe that despite my love for the activity, it is not the right one for me. I do love the weight training involved in P90X, and weight training in general, so I feel this is something I will and can stick with.
As a woman, I've always fallen to cardio as my main form of exercise, which is something that can get old VERY fast, and is very high impact (not to mention excessively sweaty). I have always been intrigued with weight lifting, and how it can do so much more with half the effort (in essence), but it is very intimidating to someone who has never done it before. Especially when the gym weights section is overrun by dozens of muscle men, rippled with veins and biceps, abs you can grate cheese on, and sweat beading off their chiseled forms. It can make anyone not in tip top shape already afraid to even step foot in there. I plan on doing two rounds of P90X and then considering whether or not to go into the "doubles" workout or start using the gym on campus...and finding a good workout buddy to keep me as motivated as Tony does!
In other news, still waiting on news from Reslife, but I volunteered at an Academic Summit working with Syd's internship, and got to schmooze with very "upper" people involved with the university-the Chancellor, one of men on the national Board of Education, the Chancellor's right side man, and more! I was even offered an internship with the same place Syd is working at now, where I would help put on events and such with the University System. I would have to discuss this with Tara and Susan to see if this would count as my internship with Higher Ed. since it's not technically in the Student Affairs area. After the Summit, which was SO much fun, and I was so excited to see what Syd does in her internship and who she works with (such a proud big sister!), we stopped by ResLife to see Tara, but she was not there. I left a message with AnneMarie, who said she was excited to work with me again as we were leaving, so I'm hoping this was a slip of the tongue on something not yet official!!
In the fall, I'm taking four classes: two HED ones, and two half-semester counseling ones. I've heard some mixed reviews about the counseling classes, but I am hoping I can get a good feel for the area and see if this might be something I'm interested in. I still see myself as someone on the higher-end administrative field in Higher Ed. like the University President, and this is my ultimate goal, so I will do what I need to work my way to that.
as for now, I'm looking forward to moving to Bar harbor for the summer, and spending more time with the sisters! I am finally getting my car this summer, and still need to work out if that will be at the start, middle, or end of the season. At this point, I want to get it at the start and then spend the season working off my debt to Dad. I'm going to have to call him and work out the details, but he is more than willing to help me:)

Advice to Girls...

2010-02-05T13:39:00.004-05:00

here are some tips I've thought up while I was browsing through Facebook and saw some pretty icky pictures of ladies, and also just observing the female character in general :
1. tee shirts are not dresses...even when you pair then with heels.
2. Your eyelids end before your eyebrows, and so should your eyeshadow (epecially if it's iridescent shimmer). On that note, know where to focus your makeup. Choose either your lips or eyes, and do them up-if you do them both, you run the risk of looking like either a $2 hooker or a clown (or a clown hooker).
3. A hair "poof" can be too big.
4. Just because the ladies of Sex and the City pull it off (barely) doesn't mean you can.
5. Carrying your (knock off) D&G, GUCCI, LV, or Coach handbags while you wear a top-knot, sweats, and flip flops does not make you look classier.
6. People don't want to see down the back of your pants. Wear a belt or longer top.
7. Midriff shirts went out in the 90's. On that note, muffins are breakfast, not a fashion statement.
8. You don't need to look like a skank every time you go out. Respect yourself a little and cover up. Bar does not equal brothel.
9. Stop shopping in the Jr's section. This rule should be enacted once you're off training bras.
10. Stop wearing glasses to be trendy. If you need them, wear them, but if you're wearing them to appear "sexy-intelligent", cut it out.
11.UGG boots do not go with everything. Australians are laughing at the Americans because of our obsession with these furry booties, and we have abused this fashion trend far too long. Try wearing them only when appropriate: in winter (not with mini skirts, not are your go-to shoe, not in the club, not to work)...just because you look professional from the calf up does not mean mean your boss thinks so. And winter boots in summer? Super lame.
12. Alien sunglasses. You know who you are. You look dumb. Stop it.
13. Orange tans. I'm not sure the motive behind this one-does it become an obsession? Is it a contest between girls to see who can get the most carrot-esque? Do they think people's stares are out of jealousy and not the real horror of seeing real-life Oompa Loompas? I nice healthy tan you get from spending time outdoors is beautiful and even sexy, but going George Hamilton is just scary.
14. Fake nails. I tried these once and immediately felt them make me into a prissy walking attitude. Needless to say, they were off within a week. They look tacky, SOUND tacky, and just make you pretty much useless in any task requiring your hands. Tip: If you must go plastic, keep them short and simple.
15. If your beauty routine takes more than 30 mins on a regular day, you need to rethink what it entails. You don't need to completely change what you look like, but rather emphasize your god-given features. Try it!
16. Don't wear heels if you don't know how to walk in them-you only end up looking like a 2-dollar hooker struggling to keep upright after a busy night.
17. Learning how to balance is a HUGE part of fashion. Colors, patterns, textures, accessories, make-up, tightness, looseness, and more all have to be looked at and contemplated. Don't be a walking billboard for fashion roadkill.
18. Just because they make it in your size, does not mean you should wear it.
19. Your ostentatious display of Chucks, skin-tight jeans, scarves wrapped like beehives in the summer, thick-rimmed designer glasses frames, and anything "vintage" you can add to your ensemble only makes you come off as an asshole. No, people are not clamoring to know you and copy your style-you are a living breathing douche-nozzle, and reciting quotes from Kerouac and Ginsberg while you smoke your organic cigarettes and sip kombucha only alienates you further.
20. Crimped hair. And generally the rule: if it was big in the 80's it should NEVER be revived.

I'm no expert on fashion, but I know a thing or two on how not to look like a complete disaster. Otherwise, it's fun!

running thoughts

2010-01-28T00:35:00.001-05:00

some quick notes:
-I just got back from spending the Holidays (and a month's entirety) with my Dad in Pennsylvania. This was eye opening to me in a lot of ways, physically, emotionally, and mentally.
-I was not able to keep up my running for most of the time, either because I got a tattoo on my ankle, which prevented me from wearing sneakers until it healed, because my ankle proceeded to swell up to three times its normal size and hurt to move, or because I lacked any motivation while in this lack-of-stimulation environment.
-I did get a new pair of running shoes, which work so much better than the sorry excuse for shoes I was using before. These are light as air, and mold to my foot like a glove.
- I have decided to increase my mileage, so I can be running over five miles (hopefully 8-10 miles) by this summer. I want to be able to run in a marathon one day, and so should really see how much and how far I can push myself.
-Last night I watched 'Spirit of the Marathon', a documentary following a bunch of people as they prepare and run in the Chicago Marathon. It was so inspiring! I think it was the first time I've cried during a documentary...actually, anything with the food industry makes me cry, so nix that.
-I've been reading ChiRunning, which gives me a whole new outlook on this past time of mine. I am a fan of the new form the author brings forth, and how he incorporates a more spiritual connection with the sport, rather than just seeing the road as something to be conquered, he sees it as a friend along for the journey. "no pain, no gain" is rejected, and he teaches you how to identify the source of your pain and change your form to release it. I love how in tune with himself he is, and how he has been able to help people improve their performance with little tweaks here and there, and a new way of looking at running as a whole.
-I have been trying to eat to fuel my running, which means I am more critical of what is ingested now. I feel this is very important not only for my fitness and energy levels, but also because of my negative relationship with food. I feel this will help me a lot in terms of seeing it in a new way, not as something to look at warily, but to use as fuel.
-I feel like running is my meditation, and I am at peace with myself during my runs, but I still get into slumps where I have no motivation to get out there and do it. I need to work on this, and identify where this is coming from, and how I can overcome it. I will be doing some hard-core thinking and interpreting the next time this happens, so I can trace back to its source and hopefully learn how to go out in the face of no motivation. This has been the longest and most dedicated I have been to running since high school, when I've had smaller stints and then given up a week or two later. I am so proud of this accomplishment!

Fashion Does Not Come Naturally

2010-01-13T22:01:00.003-05:00

I have always been both fascinated with and terrified of fashion.

During my childhood, I sported unflattering turtle necks over loud leggings with bulky sneaker high-tops. The fact that I also grew up with a mullet never helped my situation. Maybe it was the unlucky timing of growing up in the awkward stages of post 80's glam fashion and early 90's awkward-grunge look, but I fell into a black hole of style I would not recover from until my later years in college.
During my years in high school, my style was reflective of my emotions, which were very chaotic and unruly at the time. I dressed like a tomboy, and rebelled through my attire. I dyed my hair bright red, wore endless strings of beads and tacky jewelry, decorated my pants with magic marker, safety pins, and ragged, hand-sewn patches. My makeup tended to be amateurish and overwhelming, as I had to teach myself without the aid of magazines or the internet. I had no fashion idol, I just wore what was comfortable, which usually meant baggy men's tee-shirts, wide-legged jeans, baseball hats, sneakers, crazy socks, and oversized hoodies. I was young, annoyed, and trying to show my feelings of indifference through my style. Mission accomplished.
I was often chastised by my mom about my outfits, since my later years of high school saw my "fashion" take a more sex-appeal road. I was surrounded by overtly sexual girls, who were outwardly rewarded for their appearance and flirtatious behavior. I often sported short skirts, unflattering belly shirts, anything glittery, shiny or animal print (my favorite dress at the time was a slinky velvet leopard-print mini dress). When I see pictures of myself from high school, I can only shudder at my pathetic idea of what fashion meant. I also had an unhealthy obsession with "vintage" clothing. I still love looks from the 70's, but nowadays I am able to restrain myself when I see something polyester and floral, whereas back in the day I was all over it like avocado green on kitchen appliances.
My eerie combination of punk-goes grunge-goes rebellious teen-goes tomboy-goes vintage-goes sex kitten was interesting to say the least. I certainly served as a source of conversation for my family and peers.
In my college years, I started off with an unflattering short 'do, which did nothing for my usually slender frame that happened to love the new constant access to cafeterias and vending machines. I definitely put on the freshman 15, and was unable to lose it until I decided I needed a new look during my sophomore year. Of course, when you've gone our whole life without a fashion compass, it's hard to know where to start. I began my fashion crusade without a map, and felt constantly overwhelmed with the choices out there. Which style could I call my own? Where can I shop without going broke and still revamp my entire wardrobe? Why are there so many BAD fashion fads in the mainstream? Talk about confusing. I've never been one to conform to the cultural norm, and wanted to retain some of my own originality during this adventure. I slowly began throwing out my old high school clothes, and used my hard-earned money to add new additions to my ever-expanding closet. My first order of business was to remove all of my flashy and tacky items-which was a lot. Clothing, accessories, shoes, bags and the like. Next, I had to figure out how to do my makeup without looking like a 2 dollar whore or a Disney kid (both of which use a lot of glitter and bright colors).
I discovered a new love for makeup, which had been a source of contention with me for years. I started doing research into how women in the fashion industry did their makeup, and how to play up my eye color, face shape, and skin tone . I wanted noticeable eyes, luscious lips, dewey cheeks, and flawless skin. I began buying "normal" makeup (as opposed to Wet N Wild crap), and subscribed more to the "less is more" way of doing things. My second passion surfaced with purses, bags, and any other carrier of lady things. Last year I finally went through my obscene purse collection and shaved out the ones that never see the sunlight anymore. I would change with every season, and even twice or thrice between seasons to keep up a fresh look. The same happened with shoes-although I am less able to part with my shoes than purses. I am accumulating a collection I hope will someday rival Carrie Bradshaw's. I still have a ways to go, since my most expensive pair cost $45, while her Minolo Blahniks shame me in worth.
I am making mental notes about how I want to look in my professional/graduate student years, and have a few shopping trips to make pronto. I want to up my professional appeal, while still looking my age and fun. I even look at the clothing I've accumulated in my undergraduate days and want to replace them. This is a good sign of maturing, but also of needing more money. Lots more.
I'm guessing this personal fashion thing is going to last a lifetime, and don't fault myself too much for being a complete dolt in the early days. I think of it as one of life lessons-you need to start out not knowing anything, and then accumulate knowledge over time with exposure and experience. As I write this, I am craving a shopping trip. Soon to come!

It's all in the Mind

2009-12-21T10:14:00.000-05:00

I realized today that I could never be a counselor (at least for adults) because I can read bullshit like it was my second language (aside from sarcasm).
Adults have the practiced and perfected ability to play people, and get what they want from them. Having grown up with one of the biggest Bullshitters in the nation, I believe I am able to defy anything even remotely Bull and/or Shitty. I find this happens the most when someone takes on a lot of responsibility in their lives...often referred to as becoming an adult. And then decide that they really did not want all of this responsibility, so they do their best to pawn it off onto someone else-children, spouses, extended family, friends, even strangers. They do this so they have both the feeling of being in control as well as freeing themselves up in life to do things they want to-without ties and binds of the adult life.
Another thing that often comes along with this so-called "adult-ism" is manipulation. I have known some of the best manipulators ever to grace the Earth, and have since began my lifelong lesson in rejecting this form of people playing. I have made up my mind to never get something by sulking, by mumbling to myself, by getting angry and making those in the house fear you and walk on eggshells when you are near. This type of behavior, in fact, makes my skin crawl, and being a very physical/emotional feeling person, it sets on my chest and my mind in a form of uncomfortable I can only explain as tiresome and eye-roll-provoking.
It could have easily been me. I could have mastered the art of passive-aggressiveness like a good student, with my teachers being two people very close to me in life. Instead, I chose to shun this lifestyle. Why? Because I do not feel either of these people I speak of are actually happy. The lives they lead are filled day to day with playing others, making up scenarios in their heads which make them out to be the victim, and then blaming all that is wrong on those very people who are there to help and support. Willingly placing oneself in this situation (as either the passive-aggressor or the passive-aggrsesee) I feel is setting both lives up for bitter resentment towards one another, a self-hatred, a hate for the world around you, that you've made yourself believe you cannot experience (and then placed the blame on those close to you), self-isolation to feed your self-pity and pity from others, and even the feeling of losing what it really feels like to be happy.

No. I choose not to put myself in these environments, despite their claims that they have found new meaning and are now living by a different philosophy. This only makes the players add hypocrite to their resume, as they sit on their throne and point out the "wrongs" in the lives of others. I chose to leave such an environment when I was barely midway through high-school, and have become a better person for it. I placed myself in a fresh, new environment, full of knowledge-hungry people, who wanted to learn both from me, and with me. I lived six years in this new place, and found comfort in its unique ability to always challenge and surprise me, yet always remain constant and recognizable. So, I retract what I stated earlier, I would love to be a counselor, but only if the person is willing to open up to the world, willing to admit they are not happy, and willing to start working towards a better and more fulfilling future. In this approach, kids and teens would be the easier choice, and adults the challenge. I like a good challenge.

Holiday Worries

2009-12-20T10:31:00.000-05:00

Five days until Christmas, and I am full of thoughts and worries that have nothing in the world to do with this Holiday that usually fills me with hope, nostalgia and happiness.

I have decided to go back to Umaine for my Master's degree in Higher Education, which I had been wavering on for the entire time I've been away from school. I finally decided that, regardless of who may be there with me, who may be there that I'd rather not be,or whether or not I do want this focus to be the path for the rest of my life, I will persevere and think that I can always take another path if this one does not pan out for me at the end. Of course, being waist-high in school, my job, and all the PC aura the college campus creates, it was hard for me to see beyond my small world, and realize that what I really needed was to take a step back and take in what I already had and what I wanted to achieve. Sounds simple enough.

My jump-off point is where I left off last Fall, my first year in graduate school, working as an ACC in Residence Life, and molding my future with the help of the multiple resources on campus and in my many contacts. I had left things with my employer and with my professors as a pause in my career, and would be back the following year, which they all seemed to appreciate.

Another worry? I am broke, and have been for the entirety of my year off. Living off of another person's resources causes me much stress and anxiety, and I have been forever trying to find another way to supplement our household income. Living in such a small town without a car makes it hard for me to find work, once the town's open jobs have been filled (which they seem to be always since people work the same jobs until death, and then it is passed to a close friend or family member). This summer, my landscaping job will be to rack in the cash, and pay for a car. No more of this Miss Dependent crap.

Other worries have surfaced, but nothing as big as the two above, so I will leave those to chew on.

Happy Holidays!